yeah, my psychiatrist before was a weirdy.. dunno why he treated me the way he did :/
but trying to forget about that

i hope i didnt say anything wrong! wasn't trying to say anything bad or anything, honestly i dont really know what im saying lately.. so i try not to say anything but i end up saying things and later i'll be all like.. grrr.. know what i mean? :/
trying to keep my big mouth zipped because i dunno how to control it it seems

plus its getting super tiresome to keep checking back on myself on these forums and checking my emails just to make sure i didnt say anything like really bad to anyone or send my ex a bunch of letters again or some weird junk... sometimes i totally think about breaking the computer to avoid all that mess but then i would be so bored i would really freak

dunno how to block myself from doing those kind of stupid things though.. i dont wanna disappear but i dont really want to "mess up" any - trying to walk the fine lines i guess -.-
just sucks when your memory is broken and you dont really have much of a choice but to keep checking things because you're pretty sure you said something but just dunno what - if thats believable - maybe should just give up on it and stop trying to be a policeman to myself

and its even more super hard trying to filter in real life, really wanna bang my head sometimes because its almost like part of my mind walks around telling people stuff just so i can look back on it later and feel super retarded like people are judging me and like why would i even tell anyone about my struggles? like it matters anyway? being agoraphobic people already know somethings wrong so no need in saying anything for crying out loud
but whatever... i guess its just because im super tired and stuff..
totally embarrassing because im sure people are having to really start thinking im super crazy..

i always enjoy reading you guys thoughts, dunno if my troubles any similar to anyones here but makes me feel less alone and all knowing that maybe im not the only one living a super weird life.. or dream .. im gonna tell my T this week alot so i can get it off my chest and hopefully stop this madness
she's just really not trained with this stuff so.. scared she just really cant handle me.. i know i dissociated last time and i felt like she panicked but wasnt much i could do but try to really pull myself back like i always do without making a big scene .. its difficult for me to speak and stuff when it happens like that , guess its my shutdown mode

really didnt mean to say anything bad though, your cool, and i think its cool when people can be themselves and really be like "IDGAF" what anyone thinks! i've always had problems with that, but im working on it..

im really confused now so im gonna go watch a movie and eat some popcorn
gonna check out The machinist .. hope its halfway decent -- urgh.. already 12.30am :/