My partner had told me several times she couldn't handle me drinking. I was unemployable, I didn't have any money left, I was dependent on her for everything. I felt like a piece of worthless trash. I was hollow and incapable of standing on my own two feet. Deep down I knew that as long as I continued to drink it would get worse and I would hate myself more and more every day.

One morning I ran out of booze so I jumped in the car and drove through the next subdivision to a different main road to visit one of my many liquor stores. I got lost coming home. It was just a few blocks away and I lived in the area but I couldn't find my way home, I was too drunk. Finally after some 4 hours of driving around I made it home. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I hated what and who I saw. I knew I had to change something! I knew I was going to lose my sweetheart but I realized I was losing me too. I think I knew my spirit was dying. I had to decide between being an out of control drunk or learning who I really was...sober.

It wasn't pretty, me stopping cold turkey like that but I did it. I looked at statistics and saw that people who go to AA have a better rate of staying sober longer. That's why I went to meetings, to increase my odds. I sure as hell knew I hadn't been able to successfully stay away from alcohol for any length of time on my own, I needed whatever it was that made other people sober and stay that way.

I just ignored all the god stuff, shut up and listened. Every time I wanted to bust out laughing at something I thought was just ******** coming out of someone's mouth I just remembered some of the drunk moments that I had such deep remorse over. That sense of guilt and shame for my behavior would jerk me back to the reality that I needed to listen and learn.

I hope you find it within you to realize that you've been trying to wean off alcohol and drugs for awhile now without much success. You've just not been able to do it so far, why should this be any different? It will be easier and longer lasting if you will find a group of people who have been successful with this. You don't have to do this alone! You will have a better chance of getting sober and staying abstinent if you get with a group that has experience with the ins and outs of early recovery. It's not easy and doing it alone usually doesn't work. Work the odds!!

What Plan B do you have for when the boyfriend leaves? He will leave. If he has a shred of decency and cares about his children any at all he will find the appropriate environment in order to have them visit. Right now that does not include you. The odds are high that he will choose his children over someone who can't get it together. The truth is always cold.

You've got to get sober, get back on track and never, never go back to using. Think long and hard, you need you to be who you really are not what alcohol and drugs have made you think you are. You have it within you to reclaim yourself, you just have to do it.