Everything has a cause. There definitely is a "why" behind you being the way you are. No one here is in any position to have the foggiest idea about what that is. No shrink or therapist will know either, unless you basically tell them.

Relatives/family who've known you since you were a small child might have some solid clues. You sound pretty peed-off about something. How about if I ask you: Zdarlite, what is it that you are mad about? In what way do you think you got gypped in life?

It sounds like you are someone who feels that life has yet to "throw you a bone."

You talk about your classmates in high school entering a state of "competitive grieving" over one among them who experienced a loss. Sounds like you thought a lot of that was phoney. Grieving that is "competitive" would not be very authentic. You, by contrast, like to keep it real . . . or so you see yourself.

Were you an unhappy kid growing up?