As many know I was recovering quite well from an acutely deep depression after a relapse in December and finally starting to do well again around June. My suicidal thoughts were evaporating, I was able to go out and enjoy myself again, and I was finally starting to go back to work on a limited basis.

Getting to that point took months of hard work and learning and practicing new skills. I was happy to see the results and proud of the work I had put in.

A few weeks ago I started sliding back. At first I took it in stride, I don't expect every day to be progress. But I couldn't arrest it and I kept sliding deeper down.

One of the aspects making this difficult is that I have very little in the way of a support system. No family, live alone, since I'm not working, not much human contact at all. I have one supportive couple of friends who are quite busy but talk to me when they can. They are also not local so I don't get to see them often. Much of my group recovery counselling relies on support and I have none that I can reach out to so I'm managed on my own. I've been going to support groups in the evening when I can.

Last week in the midst of this downfall I decided to try to reach out to someone who had asked to let him know if there was anything he could do to help. I discovered that he is not a friend unless one opens the definition of friend to include "asshole". It turns out he hasn't been speaking to me not because I have been isolating myself, but because my illness causes him too much stress.

I am not someone with low self esteem. I know I am better off without someone like this in my life. However that does not stop the hurt and grief over the loss of a friend, even if it is only the loss of someone I had mistakenly believed was my friend.

I really cared for this person and this loss has shaken me and driven me back down to a deeply hurt place. All of my other bad feelings about my job, my life, my loneliness, those things I sought so hard to separate in therapy to get myself back on track are now entangled and overwhelming again. This is not because of my depression but because the situation has caused two of the three of these elements to now be situationally connected, and they are creating a real life dealbreaker for me.

I couldn't get out of bed all day today. I don't think I can make it to support group tonight. I pushed myself to go to a sci fi con this weekend but it ended up making me feel lonely and miserable. I don't think I'll make it in to work at all this week. I already can't pay my bills and have gone through my savings which of course is another great source of anxiety and stress.

I believe I am a good person, a smart person, a funny person, who deserves to have quality friends and I used to believe I deserved a good relationship. I guess I still believe I deserve that I just can no longer believe I will ever have that. Still, I don't deserve to be treated as a source of stress to someone... Bear in mind I wasn't unloading on him, I have hardly seen or spoken to him, his "stress" is largely only about the idea of dealing with my medical issues in his own mind. He's lied to me and made excuses I found later to be false.

My failing is in that I am so sensitive that the loss of one person, someone who was never really even a friend to me, puts me in this state of tailspin so deep that it leads to suicidal depression. I have never had a relationship, and only twice in my entire life have I felt I was close enough to someone to consider that, and in both cases I discovered I was wrong and the person wasn't at all interested in a relationship. The first time that happened... We are still friends but I was depressed and unable to work for a full year after that happened. My car was reposessed and I almost lost my house. This second time I'm going on nine months and this new news has me back to square one or even deeper. I don't have the energy to climb out of this hole again especially I wasn't even out of it a few weeks ago, just teased with seeing some of the light at the top which is now gone,