Will I ever get better?
I always tell myself "don't worry, you can eat that when you recover" and that's my excuse/reason to not feel frustrated when I can't bring myself to eat something I'm desperately craving.

But that's the delusion. What if this is it? What if everything from now on is just a downhill battle? I never believed it would be. But it's been nearly 4 years. I'm still not ready to change. I couldn't see myself being ready to get better even in a year's time, perhaps two. In my head I'm still so fat and that settles every argument. I can't convince myself otherwise, believe me I've tried.

And even when I am ready. Then what? I go on a waiting list. That alone could take 6 months. I could change my mind in that time. Then I might not even successfully recover the first time around. That would be more years of my life gone.

I'm 19 and already I'm struggling to see how I'll be happy even when I'm 25.

I just can't take it. Right now I'm just hanging onto every last thing I've got, because I never truly appreciated the things in my life until they were taken away from me. If it weren't for the small things I don't think I would even try and fight. I'm hanging on but barely. And as far as my mind goes I'm not going to stop trying to disappear.