Hi folks,

About three weeks ago I was hospitalized for an overdose of Percocet during a 'breakdown' I had following a very mild argument with my wife. This was my first hospitalization and first attempt at harming myself and I left after 5 days with a BPII diagnosis. Five years prior to this I had very loosely been diagnosed ADHD and was on adderall.. and I was then prescribed Zoloft for depression a few weeks prior to this event. My response to this very brief disagreement with my wife was my typical, intense shut-down which usually leads straight to me finding a place to 'hide' where I begin to run very suicidal, guilt-ridden thoughts through my head. Things like this led to my very first visit to a counselor for what I thought was depression... but then led to ADHD diagnosis. I don't think I ever fully communicated what I've been going through most of my life (multiple passions leading to quitting doctorate, quitting Peace Corp, job to job, adventure to adventure, girl to girl.. all followed by periods of depression).

Anyway.. I've been thinking about that night when I overdosed. I've basically been in a period of depression for the last year or so.. but when I go into those shut-downs it doesn't feel like depression. It's intense, mercurial. I sit quietly with fire raging in my head. This last time I went into an almost euphoric state where I started focusing both on the trees swaying in the wind being startled by it's beauty.. but at the same time running thoughts of: I don't fit in, i don't fit in, I don't fit in. After trying to cut my arm with the edge of a stone.. I quietly went into my bathroom and downed the Percocet.

So... Can mania lead to suicidal/self-damaging events? Might this be considered a 'mixed event'?

All of this psychotherapy is so new to me.. prior to my current marriage and creation of a family.. I've never sought help despite the depression, financial problems and lack of a clear future. I was in permanent adventure mode. Then I settled with a wonderful wife, produced wonderful kids and live in a beautiful place working as a swordsmith (my latest passion). I SHOULD be happy.. but then I constantly find a new path to destruction.