I'm a f-ing disaster of a human being.

I find myself repeating this to myself more and more. I'm having weird health symptoms, I'm so stagnant and bored and empty I can't take much more. I can't stop eating despite not being hungry and needing to save money but it's compulsive at this point and I'm furious with myself for it. I just keep thinking and dreaming and praying for change because I'm too paralyzed to move - I don't know if it's fear or apathy.

I can't even cry anymore. Good God, I want to, I feel like it would help, but I just can't. I haven't for months now, basically a record for me. I honestly feel like my emotions don't even work properly - my mom commented I'm almost too calm, and I agree. Sure, I can tolerate life better, but at this cost...?