Hi guiltier

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now

And the cutting..........this may sound strange.........but please don't be sorry...........self recrimination, self blame, guilt, negatively judging yourself for it............well those feelings can all intensify the urge/need to repeat, repeat, repeat...........
Let's instead say that you were going through so much that you just didn't have the coping skills to manage it and avoid it leading to the SI?? A bit of self-compassion, yes??
And of course it would be better if you hadn't "hurt" so much, and it hadn't led to the urges or the SI
But let's think forward, hey?? Towards finding ways to ease the "hurt" a bit or/and to finding coping skills that help in avoiding the urges/need to SI??

And you've hit a fantastic idea which may just help a little...........reaching out
Just easier said than done, right?!! Although you are doing great in reaching out on here!!!
So........it can depend on what might work best for you.............
Maybe decide on the things that bother you most and that might lead you to selecting the right person to reach out to e.g. someone who might understand those things/feelings..........
Maybe choose someone/anyone who you might find it easier to reach out to (and that can take the anonymous route as on here, or in contacting a helpline)............
Maybe write down some of your feelings first, so you can express yourself as you'd like to when reaching out to someone............
Maybe work on ways that may help you to "take the leap" in reaching out e.g. in thinking "I've nothing to feel ashamed (or insert another word) about, everyone needs help sometimes"...............

But loneliness and grief............well it's completely understandable how those feelings can rob you of any sense of hope and numb you to any feelings of pleasure
You do know that those feelings don't have to last forever though, right??!! They don't!!! Things can get better with time, working through them, and especially with the right support
I honestly do know the way ahead isn't easy, isn't going to be easy, but there is a way ahead.
And hey guiltier, we can be with you on that

Alison