Well i decided to drop in again as it's been a while and it's late and i'm bored but can't sleep cause my lovely wife made my blood boil (again) right before bed -time...

All that aside now; Thanks for your post cinderguy, it's good to know i'm not totally crazy, even though that is the impression i'm getting from the world around me.

My dad "doesn't get it" thinks i'm stark raving mad, doesn't understand why i'm staying with "that woman" (he doesn't like her, through nothing i said or did mind you, he reached that conclusion all on his own... for obvious reasons). What's worse is that my dad tends to lash out at me for crap she pulls... ugh... thanks for the support pop!!

But yeah, it's ok, I know he's there for me when push comes to shove, and that's enough.

My mom is a bit more enlightened in that respect, though she seems to insist that it's just a phase and it will pass and we'll all be happy (i think she's in denial ;-) ).

But i can see how it's confusing... after all i LIE to my wife about my feelings for her.

That is, she knows i'm not "madly in love" or anything like that and that our relationship isn't all that great, but I don't tell her I hate her guts, and if she asks me if a "love her" i just say "sure...". Not sure if she believes me or not, but the fact is that she's got the mind of a teenager, if i told her how i truly felt (and i have at the worst of times) there would be NO END of misery. She's not the kind that can take rejection with grace... more like the kind that makes your life hell, slits her own wrists in the bathroom during the family dinner and then comes storming out screaming "LOVE ME OR I KILL MYSELF"...

Yeah so... NOT a good idea this honesty thing.

I don't really consider the sex all that much anymore. It's not that i'm impotent or have simply stopped feeling the urge, the fact is just that I have simply lost every last scrap of respect i ever had for her, and pretty much everything she says and does disgusts me and has me biting my tongue not to unleash a hailstorm of "I f***ing told you so!" narratives.

Yeah we still share a bed... an oversized King, with separate sheets, and we have different bed-times. I tell her it's cause she wiggles in her sleep and i'm a night-owl, the truth is I just want to avoid her at all costs.

Fortunately she seems to have given up on the idea of sex two, she doesn't mention it anymore and has disengaged from physical contact entirely... well she still asks for a hug every once in a while... usually when her potty mouth and stark raving temper tantrums have turned the entire planet against her and she needs a wing to hide under, but yeah... yes she actually ASKS for them... like my three year old daughter does... only less cute and more "yuck".

My biggest hope now is that she will just stay away from me as much and as often as can be expected while still living in the same house. It's hard for her as she insists on yapping at me about trivial immature nonsense and she likes to follow me around to continue her yapping. Every once in a while she brushes a vaguely interesting topic (i should say once or twice a month really... during her daily, non stop, yapping) but as soon as i engage her on it and try to provide some input into the conversation, her eyes glaze over and it feels like i'm talking to porcelain vase... before being served a complete non sequitur.

Oh yes, the joys and thrills of my married life ;-)

Lately I've been having a different kind of issue though (she's upped the anti), i think she finally going certified crazy. She's always been kind of wacky but lately a lot more so.

See i had gotten used to paying for everything, having to do everything for her, having to hold her hand through everything, her moronic parenting choices and practices (these kids would be SO confused if i wasn't around to give them pointers and clear up her endlessly vague and contradictory ramblings) , not being able to go anywhere with her for fear of her making a complete behind of herself and antagonizing everyone, and the yapping, and the nagging, and the grating, and the... well all the annoyances really.

BUT NOW... she screams... she screams morning till evening, and sometimes in her sleep. If my kids spill one drop of their drink she EXPLODES and goes on a screaming marathon for hours on end. If they drop a crumb, if they so much as look at her funny... she screams at them (and everyone else two for equally trivial trespasses).

This s**t is crazy, my ears beep half the time, I do not understand how she can keep screaming like she does day in day out without going completely hoarse?!

This woman would have a brilliant career in opera if she could keep a tone (and a job).

I'm not sure what set this off, possibly her meds have been changed or something, I'd have a talk with our GP, but the truth is I don't want to go there anymore (down that road i mean, not to the GP's office), whatever she's on is of no more concern to me, because of decided to disconnect from her personal issues and stop playing umbrella for her.

Basically I've stopped making excuses for her, stopped playing messenger for her, stopped being her personal secretary and therapist (i told her to go see one that is qualified, i'm not, and so I can't). I've also stopped paying for groceries... if she doesn't pick up the grocery tab => empty fridge! She hates that, because it's the only thing that when she bails on her responsibility, she has to face the consequences personally and immediately (i love it, it's perfect)... oh and don't worry, my kids aren't hungry or anything. The truth is she could not go even HALF an HOUR without some kind of snack or raiding the fridge, so it's always fully stocked (i think it's costing her a fortune frankly because it's so bloated with food I find myself filling entire garbage bags with stuff that is going bad on a weekly basis).

I've also stopped helping her get her life together. She used to nag about wanting a job, wanting some kind of career path to thread down, etc... I used to take this seriously as she seemed genuine, but pfffff....

This girl is a disaster. I could not fathom what kind of position i'd want to hire her for. I gave her some stuff to do for my business... out of sympathy really, because i thought it might help her, not because i wanted to "use" her as an employee to make money for me... cause frankly, she is literally USELESS. I only gave her stuff that wasn't important because i knew the risks involved, and she managed to screw most of it up completely. I had her send out a bunch of mails to clients about a change in my banking info... she sent out the wrong info... to HUNDREDS of people... HUNDREDS of letters. I'm still fixing that upsy to date... and that's just one example.. out of endless examples. Anyway, long story short, i just could not find anything for her to do that was impossible to screw up and still relevant enough for her to feel "important". Yeah i could ask her to do some laundry, but she wont, and i'll be nagged to death for months to come just for asking.

I tried to get her to prepare some normal family meals (i'm drowning in work right now, i just can't do everything i need to unless i stop sleeping completely... not an exaggeration here, these are the cold hard facts, and i was SICK SICK SICK of take away meals and other assorted JUNK on platters), so i first had to sell her on the idea by arguing it would mean there's always a hot meal just a freezer door away, that we'd eat healthier, that it would be better for the kids, that we'd eat at more regular hours etc etc. So i suggested we cook (WE not her, that would be unacceptable) a bunch of meals, big portions, and tupperware it all for the freezer. That way we could microwave home cooked meals most of the week... effortless eating!

So i started her off by cooking a crap-load of meals, froze it all and then slowly, but surely passed the torch to he... Less than 3 weeks later we are again eating junk off platters, and every once in a while she "finds the time" to make a decent meal... single serving ofc. If i ask her "you did all this single serving meal... why just make more and freeze it for another day?"... because... "takes too long".

So now i'm apparently becoming quite a good cook rushing my behind off sunday morning to pre a bunch of meals for the week to come, because by sunday afternoon kids are needing to go places with slides and jungle gyms... you know?

Anyway, long story short, i have stopped trying to "steer" her to anything and just let her loose on her merry way...

I don't know what she does or doesn't do, apparently she does manage to wash some of my clothes every now and again (which means i'll be digging through piles to find them all wrinkled up in a ball, but ok, it's one less thing to do i guess?), and she cooks a meal sometimes. I wish she DIDN'T do the latter though because often it will involve some kind of JUNK and I refuse to eat that now (i also wish the kids wouldn't, but yeah, they like it... naturally) which leads to arguments ( well me refusing to eat and making my own and her exploding into a hissy fit because nothing is every good enough etc etc).

So basically I am now sort of running my own household here, and she's kind of... i dunno... also around... She uses the washing machine sometimes to wash a few random tid bits. I might find a mop lying on the (dirty) floor sometimes. I've learned not to ask why because then she's peeved that i couldn't tell she cleaned ( well damn, sry, someone call the president!!).

You know, the biggest problem is not that she's unwilling necessarily (although her "will" is extremely limited), it's that she's so disorganized she might as well just not bother. I mean, how does it help if you wash some clothes and then throw them on the floor in a pile? I don't even know if it's dirty or clean, so i just wash it again and do it right (without her knowing cause then she'd be peeved again).

But like i said, this is kind of yesterdays gripe, cause right now she's gone to defcon 3 or something and her brain has been fried, especially the part that controls voice volume and temper.

On the upside, my son turned 6! We had a nice birthday party for him (which she ruined by starting a flame war with him, and then she ruined the second attempt as well by antagonizing his grand parents when they come over for cake) that means we're one year closer to liberation day! Only 12 short years to go AND there is still a chance she'll be committed to the insane asylum before then... so nothing but good news really.

Because you see it's not about how insanely my family life is right now... it's about maintaining CONTROL, and as long as i'm here, my kids have some kind of stability in their lives. They don't have to wonder "is this normal, should i behave like this, is this how people behave?!", because they have examples, role models. They have me, they have their grand parents (who would no doubt be banned or made to uphold strict and moronic regulations while holding my kids hostage as leverage if she were to get custody), so they have counter intel, they have options.

I'm not saying this situation is ideal, but at least they have some NOTION of "normal" is, without me, all that is gone, and they will have to figure everything out for themselves!

If she starts another flame war with the kids, i'll either be there, or be there that very same day to answer any questions they have about them, to reassure them that they're loved, and that they're good kids etc. What happens when they're not getting that anymore? When they're constantly submitted to the "i love you but i hate you" routine my wife puts them through?

I am the only chance these kids have, and as long as i don't abandon them (like through divorce for example) I will still be their father, and i'll still be able to care for them. If i split with the wife, that stops, the STATE takes over, and the state are MORONS. If i abandon my wife, i abandon my family, I abandon my kids, the state takes over and my kids go down the drain, plain and simple. No way, i'm not going to "start over" somewhere else with someone else, these are my kids, my responsibility, end of story.

And even though I'm going to be a parent forever, i'm not going to be a husband forever! 12 more years... that's the time i'm doing. By then my son will be 18, not nearly an adult yet, but old enough to understand what's going on and more importantly; old enough to be legally considered an adult so when i DO file for divorce, and i WILL, the state will have no say in the matter, he'll be his own man, make his own choices, whatever those may be.

And my daughter neither, granted she wont be legally an adult yet, but she'll be old enough to make up her own mind, and she will NOT decide i'm a POS dad for leaving her mother BECAUSE... we're buddies... I'm the one who wipes her butt after she uses the potty, i'm the one who puts on her night-time jammies, i'm the one who reads her bed-time stories, i'm the one who sits with her to watch f***ing barbie on TV, i'm the one who picks her up and comforts her when she's chaffed her knee or had a fight with her brother, and i'm the one whose neck she clings to start till finish when we go swimming.

And all i've done was just do what i felt was right or needed, and simply "been there" for my kids. There is no doubt in my mind that my kids are going to be in my life long after the wife has gone out of it... and if that IS the case in the end, then I'll have the peace of mind knowing that they made that choice for themselves!

How many people do you know who thrive and find happiness in marriage in their late 40's? Tons right? Well i'm going to be one of them! And I wont have to sacrifice my kid's future for it.

I'll be fine, so will my kids. The only one who is going off the rails right now is my wife... and let her! Screw it, screw her! The time I wished all the best for her and tried to help her somehow get closer to it is over and done with, i'm not pouring anymore energy into this, into her. Right now I'd just wish she could self destruct a little more quietly.

So that's that, signing off again for now.