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And you are afraid that if you let him in for a time that you will lose your identity (be merged into him) or he will pull away and you will fragment / fly apart when he goes?

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i'm not sure... i don't think i've really thought too hard about what might happen because i can't imagine it happening. i can't imagine him getting in. i think i worry my identity would unravel.. not so much fly apart but i define myself within these walls.. imagine going home to find a policeman telling you that it was really someone else's house and you need to stop bothering them. Reality would unravel. The world as you see it and know it would prove to have a big hole in the logic... everything would drain out that hole.

if he came in.. if he got really close... then my definition of myself and the world would be faulty. What then?

yeah. it hurts. Thanks for caring alex