That's OK Kimberly, no harm done!

I'm not sure if hallucination is the right word. One thing I'm confused about. Is it hallucination if you hear the voices but they are in your head and not your ears? If the messages are "telepathic" and/or "transmitted" rather than audible? (I did hear an audible voice a few times but that is not what usually happens). Is it a hallucination if you have orgasm because you are having sex with "someone" who is invisible (without touching yourself)? Is it a hallucination if ... no scratch this one, that's delusion not hallucination. "Delusion" is what they call it when outside forces program your thinking or shift your thinking and you can't change that. That's also what they call it when you experience having the power to do that to other people.

So maybe that's the word I want ... I want to believe it is all just delusions because if it's not then I'm in serious trouble and I don't know how to get out of it, or rather, to fix it especially where it affects the whole world and not just me. But then the opposite fear: what if it's not a delusion, and the world is destroyed because They succeed in convincing me it is? After all, in some respects, that's how we got into this mess in the first place ... (long story).

Sometimes its like a bad dream but yeah it never goes away. Even if I say to myself I will set this aside, I will push it out of my life, I will not think about it or live according to it or whatever, it is still there, and stuff happens to remind me it is still there and I have to deal with it somehow.

Sometimes I actually wish I was sicker than I am because I'm afraid no one will take me seriously. I have a tremendous fear/terror/trigger around "not being taken seriously" and all that goes with it.

Never alone we are, and that is sad for you maybe because it feels like it diminishes your specialness and uniqueness? And maybe comforting to you because it means you don't have to suffer in isolation? Just pondering ...

~mal