Hi Sabbathcat, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. You have been through a lot of trauma over an extended period of time and so it is not surprising you are experiencing these dark thoughts.

I know nothing about your country or the services that might be available but if you do have access to some counselling I think you need to start there. I think you need some grief counselling to help you to get through the grieving process in which you seem to be stuck and to be able to express your thoughts to someone who can point you in the right direction to find other help. I also think you may need to rethink your relationship as he doesn't sound like a very supportive partner and could be contributing to your negative thoughts. I am sure your parents love you and do care but perhaps their generation and/or culture prevents them from being able to respond to your needs. Can you talk to either of them or have any other family members you trust?

This place is a safe place to express yourself and have understanding others hear you without judgement so please keep posting as it may help you feel less alone.

You sound like a remarkable woman who has been managing in isolation for quite a while. The things you have so far managed to get through are intense and the fact you are still here is a testament to your inner strength.

And by the way, your English is fantastic.