((((((((((((((((icky)))))))))))))))
I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with all of this right now. I know the heartache that surrounds parents divorcing .. I'm still working on that now, but just know that you are not to blame... for anything. Not the divorce, the drugs, and to be honest, even if you were home, I doubt that there would be much you could do. I'm not saying that it doesn't matter if you're there, but its between your parents.
I can't tell you how many times that i've thought about possible scenarios where i'd been home, that could have mabye helped them. I could have been more aware of their feelings, I could have actually noticed something was wrong, I could have showed them how important our family is to me ... but you can't keep going over these things in your head. It took me a long time to realise that it was out of my hands, and although it can be a hard, long, road ... you just have to accept their decision, and do your best to move forward with it.
I also understand the wanting to not feel anything ... and SI has been a part of my life - partially due to my parents - too ... but it really didn't get me anywhere. If anything, i just made people in my life worried, which then only worried me more because i didn't want people to waste their time worrying about me! It's really a vicious cycle ... although i'm sure you already know that.
But you need to know that this will get easier. And its not as simple as "telling your mind to get over it." This is a lot to process, and you're mind simple cannot forget about it, suppress the pain, or express it in any other way. The best thing to do (in my opinion) is to find ways to distract it. Now I don't mean suppress it or anything, let nature take its course, but try not to dwell on it. Acknowledge it, but only give yourself a certain "time period" if you will for those thoughts. Give them their chance to be expressed, but don't let them take over your thoughts 24/7.
How you think, is how you feel, is how you live. It you dwell on it, or worry about it etc, you will feel like crap, and you will feel "stuck" or numb, or unsure of yourself in every aspect. But this doesn't have to be the only way ... you can choose not to blame yourself, and take matters into your own hands.
I don't know if this is helping any ... but if its any consolation i truly 100% understand you're pain. I myself am in 2nd year of University (or College) and went through a very similar situation last year.
If you ever want to talk, my PM's are always open.
Be gentle with yourself,
(((hugs)))
Jacq