First, thanks to all who replied to my previous thread.

I did make it to my internship today where I rarely have a moment to think of myself, which is a good thing. Some of my patients did really wonderful today-- a great thing to see. Unfortunately on top of the depression that was still lingering around I had a migraine headache from my period. I took a nap the moment I got home. Still depressed, but trying to keep on top of things-- finding resources for tomorrow's groups.

My pdoc called me at 7:30 this morning. And yes, McKell13, you were correct in remembering that I did recently start Lithium and a covering pdoc told me to go off of it because of problems I was having with my stomach. However, I did not go off the medication, as I thought he was being overly cautious and I am very familiar with my stomach issues-- and did not think that the problem was related to the Lithium. I told my doctor today that I became very depressed yesterday-- we are sticking with the Lithium, increasing the dose to 450mg tonight rather than bumping up to 600mg right away.

Okay, now for the point of starting this thread--

Last night I left a message for T around 1:30 AM. I could not sleep bc of the depression. I was also having some SI issues and sometimes I make a deal with myself where I leave him a msg as a way to limit my SI. So in the msg. last night, I made this exact statment:

You really don't have to call me back...

...and I explained how I was very depressed and wanted to leave him the msg. bc it was help me limit my SI to what I had already done and nothing further, etc.

As soon as I made that statement, I knew I'd be sorry.... because I knew I was testing him. I told him he didn't have to call back... so he didn't. And now I'm pissed off. I am so familiar with my pattern. I thought I would try to use this opportunity to thnk about what a %#@&#! *** I am. Or to learn something. Now all I feel is anger and this feeling of complete disconnect from him as though now there is no way in hell I could call back before Friday's session and say, "Could you call me back?" Ugh. Why do I do this? Why do I play games?

I'm am racking up an embarrassing agenda for Friday's session, that's for sure. So far I have:

1. I hate you because I told you not to call me back and you didn't.
2. When you casually mentioned that you have a client who is a child, you thought you were just telling me a cute story, but I ended up completely hating this innocent kid for my stupid, immature reasons.