Awareness can be really scary. It can go both ways-- it can enhance the connection while at the same time making us say, "Oh %#@&#!!" and then we go downhill a bit. It has happened to me. Also with me, sometimes awareness means identifying the steps I have to take to get better in some aspect-- that is scary as well so sometimes I slide backwards. Sometimes not knowing is bad but things are somewhat even-- whatever happens to cause the awareness can rock the boat, stir up the emotions. Plus, you said that your moment of profound awareness came along with crying and feeling out of control-- so it sounds as though this was not an easy awareness for you to reach. Take it easy on yourself (easier said than done, I know) because you are on your way. For example, today I became aware that I exhibited a negative patterns in regards to telling T not to call me and then expecting him to call.... so I'm totally aware of it but I feel awful and disconnected and have no idea where to go from here... so there are steps... you will get there.