</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My camoflauge is all i am.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What happens when our camouflage that we hold so dear is makes us stand out like a hunter in orange? I feel like this is the case in therapy. The harder I work to hide the more apparent my faults become to others. In the end I may not be fooling anyone but myself.

I'm afraid of finding out that the person behind all of the defenses is weak and frail. I think for me I am not only afraid of letting others get to know the real me; but I also am afraid of ME getting to know the real me. I think my defenses have created some personal illusions that I am fearful of expelling. In the end I might find out that I like the fake me better, then.... it is too late.

OK, so we are afraid and in many ways paralyzed by our fear. Do were curl up in a corner and rot away or do we attempt to take some small steps to face reality?

One thing is crystal clear to me at this point: I cannot tolerate staying in the status quo. Being closed off, defensive, and disconnected from everyone and everything is not only hurting me but it is damaging others (my kids in particular). I crashed hard in June and the fear of going back to that state along with the fear of seeing my children adversely affected by my slow but eminent self-destruction is starting to trump the fear of the unknown. I need to change, I don’t know if I can do it or not, but I need to at least try. –Can you tell I am trying to pump myself of for a therapy session tomorrow