It's vascillating between loving and hating my T.

I had an appt today.

I hate him for understanding me. I hate him for knowing whats up with me before I do. Mostly I hate the fact that I can't push him away.

Okay, hate is a strong word. I know its good he sorta understands me. I still don't like the fact he can tell whats up with me before I do. I try to push everyone away (it's a pattern for those who get too close) ... but he's not going anywhere.

So why am I upset?

He told me today, reassured me that I was doing a good job and that he was proud of me for seeking help with meds. He was proud of me for making the appt to go see an abuse counsellor. He reassured me that he wasn't trying to get rid of me (certainly feels like it) and that if it doesn't work out that he'll still be there for me.

So why am I upset?!

... I feel horrible. I put him through all sorts of stuff and he sticks around. I've told him I should never come back because I don't deserve help, and he says I do.

It's getting to the point where I wonder how much of my behaviours I express in therapy (or around people I trust) are just attention seeking. Is attention seeking bad?

I'm having control issues. I like being in control of at least one aspect of my life. SIng did that for me. Disordered eating habits did that for me. And now I'm supposed to give them up and I'm scared.

He said that it's okay that I'm afraid of change, and that it will be hard and some people may not like what's happening with me - but that changing and getting rid of maladaptive coping mechanisms is the best thing for me.

... then why am I petrified?

I HATE CHANGE. He knows that. Heck, I did dialogue with myself regarding my desire to change. I think the "not wanting to change" side won out. At least I think it did... was a long time ago. All I know is I was more frustrated with myself.

He said something about the person inside of me that wants to come out - the part of me I'm trying to protect that THATS who I'll become. But I'm so used to being all these other things...

What happens if I become an emotional wreck?

How much harder can I push T away until he leaves?

Why does he say he cares about my wellbeing?

... why can't I believe all the good things he says about me that I know intellectually are true, but that my emotional self doesn't believe.

... not to mention I'm having anxiety issues with my meds. Mostly, how am I supposed to be authentic and my true self while on meds? How am I going to tell whats caused by the meds (for positive emotions) and what is actually me, and the experiences I encounter?

Am I ever going to be happy?!

... I'm going to go mope now. Todays session was so difficult. I just needed to get it out "there".