To lighten this post. Did you know that a "tear" in a dress and crying a single "tear" is spelled exactly the same just has a different meaning depending on the context you use it in. I didn't apparently. Confused myself and had to look up how to spell tear because I was confused when I typed it out because it looked to much like tear. I know so confusing and to think English is the only luanguage I know.

I met my new therapist the other day. After being advised that I should see a therapist to work on everyday stressors. Maintaining healthy boundaries and stuff like that.

New therapist asks me if I even want to do therapy. That know one is forcing me into it. Bad vibe I let it go. My brain fails me and I start complaining about the services I have not been receiving since I moved back to my home town. How I requested a PTSD therapist last year and was told it wasn't a good time for me to be working on it after they did an intake evaluation. At the time I had a lot of external factors that were effecting me from making it to appointments.

So new therapist. First time ever meeting her basically tells me she is trained in 2 types of PTSD therapy. CPT and Exposure Therapy. Great! I feel forced into choosing one. Right then and there. So I choose CPT as I feel because there has been multiple trauma's that Exposure might not be able to cover what I need.

Basically there's 2 traumas a 3rd possible one and I strongly say possible. I will explain in a little bit. Trauma # 1 happened when I was a child between ages of 8 to almost 13 years of age. Trauma # 2 Basically catapulted Trauma # 1 existance into the for front of my brain causing me to basically relive both Trauma's over again. I was 20 when Trauma # 2 happened. I was first diagnosed with PTSD at 27. I am 32 now.

The third Trauma. Is not my Trauma. I brought this up to the new therapist too. I don't talk about it often but it effects me just as much as the other's do. I said to the therapist there is another trauma but it didnt happen to me. She asked me if I witnessed something. I said No. I told her I was the result of that Trauma. She understood instantly what I was saying. ( *** Trigger **** Maybe **** Before I was born. My mom was raped. Her rape led to the conception of me. I was the product of rape. I was also raised by my biological mother. I was also told from a very young age about my conception. So as far back as I can remember I always new how I came into this world. I have always felt different that I don't belong. )
Therapist then asks me to explain why I felt this way. My brain farted on me yet again. I tried to explain to her my greatest fear of being like my biological father. My fears of hurting other children. My thoughts that pop in my head. I would Never Never act on them. I pray to god I Never will. They scare me. She is literally the only person I have even remotely even given a glimpse into this one. She told me will try to address that too.

So 30 minutes into my FIRST ever session with this lady. She says are you ready to get started we can start today (Someone shoot me) This is after not even 10 mins prior to that explaining to her about my last therapist. I initially met her in a Substance abuse rehabilitation program when I was inpatient as she worked there part time along with doing ptsd counselling part time in the same building. I had known her from group therapies I attended previously. By the time I went through a 9 week intensive inpatient PTSD program. Requested my last therapist to be my therapist I had known who she was for 9 months. It took me 6 months of seeing her every 2 weeks for me to even start talking about doing extensive PTSD work again. By the time I was fully ready to. Our relationship came to an end. I unexpectedly had to move 3 hours away back to my home town and she was offered a new position else where and took it.

So back to new therapist. How did she not listen to what I had just said not even 10 minutes ago. I hate confrontation in general. I dont know this lady at all. I just nod my head in agreement.

She pulls out a binder and starts reading from it. I am not paying much attention at this point. My mind is screaming for me to leave and to not come back. I am trying to ease my head. Telling myself to just get through this session and we wont come back. I am desperately trying to figure out what time it is but the clock is behind me. She asks me a question. I don't hear her I ask her to repeat herself. She asks me to tell her a brief statement of my most traumatic event. I can't even think at this point I just want to leave. I entertained her idea for a minute. Asked a few irrelevant questions so I could think. I have always been protective of my sister. My sister was born when i was 12 1/2. *** Trigger again sorry *** i told her when I asked him if he would ever do this to my sister and when he told me he didn't know *** I spent my entire life trying to protect her from him. She is the sole reason. When the pain got to great I finally broke down and told someone what had happened to me. At this point my rapist was in jail for unrelated charges and on 10 year sentance. When i told her a single tear went sliding down my face. I couldnt hide it. I was ashamed. I never cry in therapy. Why in front of this lady. I just met. I dont know her.

More babble from the therapist none of it I really can remember. She concludes with her wanting me to write an impact statement for homework. I reluctantly agree and scheduled a follow up appointment for mid September. I walk out and breath a sigh of relief. She tells me she will mail the papers photocopier was down outlining what to include in the impact statement.

I have almost a month to figure out what to do. I dont know if I am ready for this. Should i bite through my fears and do it anyways. Is there ever going to be a right time. I feel like I am being rushed into this. I have never been good at making decisions for myself.

This is way longer than I thought it would be. [emoji20]

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