omg... i think i'm you.. or you're me... except for the kids part.

i already know that the real me in here is weak.. well, sort of. i haven't talked about it here much, but i feel divided into 2.. bold-me and quiet-me. Both me, no lost time or anything like that. No DID. Just two very, very distinct states of being. So, it's hard to say how "weak" i actually am.. i know i am not strong, but where strengths are or are not is not clear. One goal for me is better cohesiveness (don't know if integration is the right word in this case).

i am afraid i like the fake me better... or rather, the fake me is better suited to the world and functions better. When is the point of no-return? When in therapy is it too late to turn back?

the patterns which don't function so well though.. they have created some bad things in my life... placed me in harm's way. i have created and recreated difficult, painful and sometimes dangerous circumstances around me. i won't ever stop unless i can unravel how i am doing it. i already know *why.*

the thing is... i have spent years examining myself in great detail.. and doing my best to be blunt honest with myself... i read, i wrote and i questioned myself. i understand an awful lot about myself that initial stages of therapy usually brings out. i know in advance some of the steepness of the hill i have to climb. i know what pain i am facing. i also have a decreased optimism in my ability to change... afterall, i have thought hard on this stuff for a long time. i just don't know what my T could do to affect me. (no, i don't expect him to fix me)

like you though.. i feel i have to try. or so i had been feeling. i have been struggling lately to hang onto that feeling.

and, like you, i am trying to work up for a session tomorrow.