i don't thihnk i've ever really fit in to this world (if that's because people don't take notice of me, or because i just don't belong here, i don't know)
my family don't bother with me (and i'm at a point where i can accept that) it's been so long

what bothers me is that i find it hard to talk.. like explain stuff, and when i do it's like hahahaha ha, yeah, right, or it's shrugged off. the same issues could be raised by anyone else in the world and it's like... awwww, i'm so sorry for you!. i hope stuff gets better

but when it comes to me.. it always comes back to being my fault- it's your fault you don't want to talk to someone, or it's your fault you're life is a screw up, it's your fault you're suicidal... jesus!

a recent example, i told someone i had a flashback and they asked me if i remember what it was about.. and i'm like, sure. it was about my parents trying to set fire to our house and they are like.. hahahah yeah, like they'd do that. parents are good people

and i'm thinking.. oh my god, once you've lived my life and experienced all the abuse, come back and say that again to my face.

then the other thing that makes me feel like i don't matter to anyone is how everything i ask for help with, or any issues i have, are put right at the bottom of the priority list

you know. once we've attended to the first 50 or 60 " important" people, once i've had some time to myself, we'll deal with you

ugg

i've done it again. i've said too much