I've been wondering why it's taking me so long to get over what happened with this guy who I really liked A LOT. He APPEARED sweet and innocent, fair, respectful, reasonable, and had such a cute little belly, and really beautiful blue eyes. We only went out on like 3 dates. I worked with him too. It's been way more than a year since we went out, and about 5 months since he disappeared. Only 2 1/2 months since I heard that he moved back home to the east coast. I've been attracted to other guys since, but haven't been able to bring myself to go out with anyone. I'm so afraid to get hurt again, and quite honestly, I've become pretty bitter and jaded, and feel like what's the point? I'm afraid that all guys want from me is one thing. I guess I feel that way because it's kinda what happened with this guy. I hate to say this, but I became a fool in love. After 2 years of not dating at all, I finally found someone who I was actually interested in. Long story shortened, he led me on just long enough to get what he wanted. Not 15 minutes after, he starts explaining that he does not want a relationship. Never mentioned that ONCE the whole time I knew him before anything happened. I cried the whole next day, and tried to avoid him at work. He called me later that day at home, and I told him that he really hurt me. I explained that he should have told me that BEFORE if he was SO SURE that he did not want anything serious. It made me feel so terrible about myself, that he thought that's all I'm good for. Also, I didn't think I gave him or anyone for that matter, the impression that I was looking for casual sex. Of course I wasn't expecting an instant relationship, but I think most girls do expect the guy to like her enough, and want to continue getting to know her in other ways. Relationships grow, duh. What was he so afraid of, if anything, or was he just a plain 'ol dog feeling guilty and trying to play the good guy card? I didn't want to go out with him again although I somehow still liked him, and I don't think he wanted to take me out again if he knew he wasn't going to get any. SO, he spent the next year being nice to me to my face, even asking to take me out for my b-day, but blowing me off at the last minute......then apologizing.....and feeding me more lines that he really did like me, and is afraid of commitment. We kinda had a passive-aggressive dynamic as well. It was just so weird and confusing to me. Finally, he quit the place with no notice, and I called him only 3 times within one month. Yeah, I'm so annoying. (rolling my eyes) He never returned my call. I was sad because I thought that he was glad to be rid of me. Why are some guys such cowards that they can't tell the girl the truth, and then our imaginations take over, and we make excuses for them. So then here's where the fool in me really comes out. I wrote him a letter like I'm in the early 19th century or something. I ended up telling him I loved him, but since he can't say goodbye, I will. I get a call at 2am. I was of course sleeping, and he never left a message. I still wonder what he had to say to me. I guess I'll never know, but it was probably some drunken blabber. Then one night someone told me that he used to brag to his friends that he banged me, and blah, blah, blah. I guess he used to say some pretty disrespectful things about me, and I had no idea.(yet he claimed his mom and grandmother taught him to respect women, humpf!) So, when I heard this, I called him up, and told him that I knew what he said about me and he is a very deceptive person. I felt so stupid for doing that, so then I apologized, and feel even more stupid now because I realize that I never really had anything to be sorry for. I was honest about my feelings. He played around with me because I think I fed his ego. I wish I could tell him to not flatter himself because I finally realize that it's not that he was sooooo special. It's just unfortunate that I thought he was someone other than who he really was, and I fell for that "presentation." It bugs me that I can't get over this. I cringe when I think of how forgiving I was. I wish I could take it back because I can see how much he humiliated me now. And it makes me sooooo mad that he can just slink off, and get away with it all. I wish I could tell him that he can't treat people like that. He has no idea what someone has been through before him ,and the possible further damage his careless and selfish actions can cause. Well, this is becoming entirely too long, and I still have so much more I want to say, but won't. I'm ashamed of how much power this STILL has over me. Thanks to all who are listening, and I bet some of you can even relate, and know these feelings all too well. We deserve a little peace, don't we? someday........