i dont know if i can handle this stuff much longer at this rate...
im not sure how i felt yestderday, did have therapy but it doesnt feel like it... seems like its getting worse.. i really like the therapist but i dont like talking about things... she's not the problem its me.. even when i do talk to her i forget and cant remember...
i was feeling ok i thought, thought that i maybe was even being happy, for a few days atleast... i dont remember though..
Possible trigger:
i know it wasnt like this... wake up this morning .. this afternoon...
and my head hurts.. and im just... i just dont think i can keep trying to be strong...
i try to carry the weight of everyone... inside and outside...
i dont have very much support at all... my family acts like they want to help and support, or they say they do, but the actions are different of course... they dont understand what is wrong with me... they dont know how bad things are for me because i just cant tell them... if i try to explain, even if i try, they couldnt understand.. i have tried and tried... the reactions are always the same, it makes it worse to make continuous failing attempts reaching out...
to try to make yourself stop feeling so much shame and guilt... self hatred and disgust... because you cant just leave and cant just stop being so retarded... its not retarded though... its much pain... and i dont want to feel it anymore... i never wanted to feel it, but sometimes there is no choice... sometimes you see it coming... sometimes you are surprised... sometimes it hurts... sometimes you dont feel anything... sometimes this.. sometimes that... whatever...
i just am so alone in all of this... the therapist is nice but she can only help me when i visit her... i have to spend the rest of the time away from her and on my own...
i cant even take myself to therapy, to the doctors, anywhere... i have to have someone take me... but then you deal with a million triggers on the way there... listening to other peoples problems with everything under the sun when all you want to do is just be quiet and go to get help for yourself... while everyone surrounding just seems to unload everything ontop of all my problems without a care in the world of how it effects me... they cant think it makes me feel better to tell me those things can they...?
tell me how bad they have it and that everyone has it bad and that im alright i just have to do this or that and the whole time im just thinking to myself i should just kill myself and get it over with...
sometimes i wonder why i try so hard.... whats the point...? am i doing it for me..? or for them...
why do i have to be shock absorber... take everything from everyone and just hold it inside... whats the point...
i am tired of being confused... tired of hurting... tired of crying... bleeding... wanting to die... im just so tired.... i just thought maybe at some point there coulb be a normal life for me... maybe a happy way to live some how some where... maybe things could get better....
but it seems like its not me thats the problem... but its me that has a problem with everything else... or that everything is is the problem to me if you can understand...
maybe if i could just go disappear and hide away for ever everything would be better... but i dunno what to do... im afraid.... it hurts... and no one seems to really truly care enough to step aside and see how much it is... how hard I AM trying... and to try a little harder themselves... dont have to treat me different... just leave me alone and stop intruding inside of me... but no one really truly cares because they just think about only themselves...
scream about a little tiny spot on the wall, because it makes you mad... but how do you think it makes someone around you feel to hear such explosive reaction to something so minute..
but to trigger cascading reaction in maybe someone around you that has suffered greatly the entire life...
to have everyone disregard how hard things are for you because they only can see their own...
so tired of self centered selfish people that dont care... and yet they be surprised when they find someone dead and wonder why...
im so depressed... why cant i just always forget about the pain... forgett everything all the time anyway, but sometimes it doesnt go away...
people dont understand how i can be so volatile... or dont believe the severity of a mood change... i just dont know why it happens either... and sometimes just wish that it didnt happen... maybe just not even to wake up....
i just dont know what to do... not even the handy caring safety people of disbalities want to care or believe or support... maybe i dont have any problems and i really do just need to end it all because it cant get better if there are no problems to make better...
dont know what to do... so tired of these changes... rip part of my brain out and flush it down the toilet
