I have a similar problem. when ever I reach out to anyone I feel at all close to, like T or close friends, I attack myself. A feeling of wrongness overwhelms me and I'm full of self attacking thoughts and feelings. Like I shouldn't be reaching out.

Or on a romantic level, I'm overly attracted to controlling men, thus I don't even date. Cause the good part of my brain doesn't want to get hurt and prefers nice guys.