i probably should of put a trigger icon, sorry..

im just struggling.. i have not done anything for some days now i think, i find myself only being able to sit here contemplating the experience i have to call life and being lost in the fog unable to really engage in much of anything because of being severely disconnected and isolated...

but i also find myself experiencing multitude of emotions and feelings as well as not feeling anything simultaneously... i suppose more of the cognitive dissonance...
but i have been told that because of my experience it has caused me to not really have a vocabulary to explain feelings or emotions.. or to explain any internal experience... the words have not been created yet because if i had the words to describe it, i would probably go absolutely insane with the inability to cope with such existence...

its all very difficult for me to understand or accept because i like numbers... i like facts.. i like hard cold facts... something i can measure... weigh... test and analyze... but none of that exists for me to use on the inside... i guess thats why i push it to the outside and over analyze everything else, trying to categorize existence so that i can maybe one day apply it to my internal existence... to understand myself, learn who i am, what i am..

but im beginning to think its just not possible because i try to force it.. and i think something like this can't be forced... but i dont know what to do about it then because if i cant .. then how do i come to know?
maybe its a case of "if you love something, let it go .. if its to be yours, it will return to you"

im afraid that something bad will happen to me before this realization takes place...
all i ever wanted was to be happy, but happy is not a number ... and it doesnt have a weight... i just dunno what else to do, all i know to do is obsess until i have my aha' moment

but this constant pushing is driving my entire existence into madness... and i have to figure out some how to stop it, to get out of the head and leave things alone, to 'wake up' and stop staring at the floor in a different dimension

yeah.. maybe insanity has already struck... its a sad thing because i have always been such a nice person, would think the world would try to give me a little break .. but i guess thats why im not religious and the fact is that no one is going to save me but me


i hope that i can pull things together a bit better tomorow

being sober is really not a good idea when you are going through things like this... but what can you do when there are no other choices .. things must change... science says so, science must be right.. right..?

• Everything changes and nothing stands still.

or maybe its the other way...

must be a way out of this maze... cant stand still...
must prevail..