ETA: today I broke down in my room and wept instead of self harmed. Put myself to bed, thought of T's words "self care is not about basic activities of living like combing your hair. It's about being cared for - allowing yourself to be cared for and caring for yourself", stared and stared at your words, stared at the hugs of care... cried some more.

Thought of the young me getting traumatised by the brother and wept and wept.

I feel better now...for a bit. Took myself out of the house, sitting at a McDonald's.