My wife is very caring and kind. It throws me off sometimes... I've gotten past the concept that romantic or platonic love should be abusive. I guess I don't know how to describe what the feeling is, and how it's different without necessarily explaining where it came from.

I've recently started remembering sexual abuse from my childhood. I've always struggled to explain some of my symptoms and why they didn't abate when I "dealt" with what I thought originated them in therapy... if what i'm remembering is accurate, then my dad was sexually abusing me pretty much from the time I was born until I moved out of state for college (and possibly also other times in my adult life, but those flashbacks are less clear)... I have almost no memory of my life through at least the beginning of college. I still dissociate a lot, mostly in intimate relationships. My wife is coming to terms with me having a super-sketchy conscious memory of things...


a side-effect of growing up like that is a confusion about what "real" (parental/familial/care-giver) love is supposed to be... Sometimes a need to force something else like that is triggered, and I struggle with feeling cared about if I'm not being hurt in that way...

Pretty ****ed up, I know. I'm actually not totally sure I will leave the part up that's in the trigger box. It's hugely shameful for me still, and super vulnerable... t says it's understandable given my history, but I'm not sure how it's recieve by others not necessarily trained in trauma and csa... :/ it'll be up for a bit anyway, because now I've total triggered myself and should probably contact t...