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Trace14 · Aug 26, 2016, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

My wife is very caring and kind. It throws me off sometimes... I've gotten past the concept that romantic or platonic love should be abusive. I guess I don't know how to describe what the feeling is, and how it's different without necessarily explaining where it came from.

I've recently started remembering sexual abuse from my childhood. I've always struggled to explain some of my symptoms and why they didn't abate when I "dealt" with what I thought originated them in therapy... if what i'm remembering is accurate, then my dad was sexually abusing me pretty much from the time I was born until I moved out of state for college (and possibly also other times in my adult life, but those flashbacks are less clear)... I have almost no memory of my life through at least the beginning of college. I still dissociate a lot, mostly in intimate relationships. My wife is coming to terms with me having a super-sketchy conscious memory of things...

Possible trigger:

Anyway, there are times I feel that I need to be in compromising/violating situations. Things don't feel "right" or "balanced" if I'm not being forced into sexually uncomfortable situations. I started self-harming in intimate areas in an effort to minimize the flashbacks and body sensations. That lead to some really uncomfortable and triggering medical care needed. I'm generally ok with my female gyn who I have learned to trust, but when I cut so badly I almost died, she sent me to the er, where I had no control over who was treating me. As triggering as it was, it was somewhat comforting (in a really convoluted and messed-up way) because I was being made to do something I hated and that terrified me, but "to help me". One of the things my dad often said was that he knew it hurt, and that it was scary, but it would make me feel better. He said he did it because he loved me. He would hurt me to be able to take care of me afterwards. That is how he "showed his love"...

a side-effect of growing up like that is a confusion about what "real" (parental/familial/care-giver) love is supposed to be... Sometimes a need to force something else like that is triggered, and I struggle with feeling cared about if I'm not being hurt in that way...

Pretty ****ed up, I know. I'm actually not totally sure I will leave the part up that's in the trigger box. It's hugely shameful for me still, and super vulnerable... t says it's understandable given my history, but I'm not sure how it's recieve by others not necessarily trained in trauma and csa... :/ it'll be up for a bit anyway, because now I've total triggered myself and should probably contact t...

I'm sorry you triggered yourself with posting that. Please don't feel like you have to post something like that unless you want to share it. I think most of us can read between the lines in most cases and understand how hard it is to talk about some things. I know that was very hard to share and it's not offensive to me. Please do call your T and talk with her.
Has something happened recently to spark these emotions? I don't recall you being in such a dark place. Maybe the death of a critter? Please take of yourself and know you are worth saving and keeping safe. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person. My partner has come to grips with my change in who I am. At first it was hard to understand, with my isolation, and being in my head so much. Being involved with someone with PTSD or CPTSD must be very hard for the partner. I hope one day I can make this time up and show how much I appreciate them being here for me.
Take care.