Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisWayOut
Yeah, I contacted her, though I can't really bring myself to be more open about what's going on. I feel like i'm bothering her (not because of anything she said. She actually encourages me contacting her. It's all my own stuff)...
There's this internal push to not keep having these secrets, but they are also really triggering to talk about. It sends me right back into a panic about getting in trouble, and about me making it all up, and... I dunno. I wish I could talk about it with someone other than t, but also have t around in case I get overwhelmed...
I started processing the csa stuff via emdr. It's stirring up a lot of stuff. I guess it also opened up the self harm stuff and sui past stuff that's making it difficult to not re-trigger no matter what i'm doing. I was working with dogs the other day and just them bumbling into me as they played or greeted me triggered flashbacks... it's a huge wave of overwhelm that does eventual calm down; I just have to get through the first intense part without giving into the self harm urges. T & I have strategies for it, but sometimes I forget them in the moment...
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Oooooo EMDR. Not sure if you saw some of my posts about how I wasn't prepared for EMDR and when we did it it "hooked" some past traumas I wasn't ready to address. Causing me to go into a downward spiral. It was my first experience with EMDR and a T. So I thought that what ever they did was in my best interest. But when I actually started seeing another T she said that I had not been prepared for the EMDR, hadn't discussed a safe space, and that it was something that needed to be done consistently not every now and then. Had terrible nightmares afterwards about things that happened so long ago that I thought I had dealt with.....but I guess not. So I hope your T has prepped you for this, it's wonderful you can contact her. Most say that's a boundary issue. But get me started on the morals, or lack of, of T's.
If you feel like self harm just talk to us, if you would like.
Yes, those grounding procedures are kind of hard to remember when you feel like you are knee deep in alligators, or not even connected to this world.
But try to use them and avoid the urge to SH. We are here for you.