Just returned from a 50th anniversary conference in NYC. While I did enjoy the content of the conference...the science papers presented, etc...I have returned home empty and numb. The whole train ride home was the only time I felt at peace. A train load of strangers intently ignoring one another. Cities and countryside speeding by outside the window.

At the conference, I roomed with a friend from AZ who doesn't like to have a roommate. We were both trying to save the scholarship organization a few dollars. Many of us had 100% scholarships (hotel, travel), which is the only way I can attend anything. The second day of the conference it was obvious she wanted to be alone...not unusual for her. I have already ensured her that in Feb...next conference date...I will room alone...as I usually do. Not by choice, but because the others I know have spouses or carepartners who attend with them...neither of which I have...and my daughter would never "find the time" to go with me.

My almost 7-yr-old grandson, whom I pick up from school three times a week, entered the car this afternoon saying, "Why are you here today? You are the meanest grandma." Which of course I am not, he had just spent five days with his mother, who is a wimp...my oldest daughter. I had to spend six hours trying as hard as I could to hold back my tears...almost successfully. My son in law is home on Monday's working in his home-office (a college professor), so my grandson relishes is torturing me with, "I'm going to tell Dad." To which my usual response is, "Go right ahead." The kids had 1/2 day today, so pick up was after lunch, rather than 3:15pm.

Spent most of my evening just sitting an staring at the TV, not really watching it. How can I know so many people and still be so soul-aching lonely? The phone doesn't ring...rarely a message when I return home. No email to speak of, unless it is sent to a Yahoo group that I am part of and have been for seven years.

I am AS ALWAYS broke again this month. Disability income doesn't go a long way most of the time. Have two RXs I need to refill...don't have the $12. Need gas in my car...no money for that either. Peanut butter and jelly for a couple of weeks ahead...ugh!...not a way to LIVE. I suppose I should be grateful I have even that.

I hate life. I hate living it...every single of my 58 years have been unenjoyable. It is far too hard most of the time. I am tired of being tired. I just want it all to go away, but it doesn't!! I would run away and hide, but I have no where to go, and gosh-darn, no gas for the car. If I did, I have always envisioned driving until the gas runs out and then wander in to a forest or someplace similar and just disappear! Sit down under a tree, go to sleep and never wake up. Sounds so very appealing. Heck, I have a whole list of things/ways I could...I have spent every years since 1985 compiling my list.

So here I sit, venting and complaining. How is it that people go through life being happy...happy is an illusion...I don't believe it exists.