Hey fairydustgirl and Yoda -- POW WHAM BAM!!!!!!! Thanks for your powerful statements! I was thinking more about what this man said to me today. Regarding the previous pdocs pampering me, what this means is.....I've been living a fiction for nearly 20 years! What he challenges the previous docs with is, says to me, "you've been up and down for the 10 years you've been coming to this clinic, and every time [something about me becoming dissatisfied with a med] and side effects, they changed your meds." Like this is bad of the pdocs and me to do that! Side effects that caused the pdocs to pamper me -- how about developing osteoporosis from Tegretol? How about diarrhea for 6 straight weeks, wearing adult diapers? How about being off balance and falling down flat on my back on the sidewalk, hitting my head? Plus, the doc's tossing off "You've been up and down for ten years." Not quite true. I have mood charts that show how stable I was for long periods of time. 6 years stability on Tegretol. 3-4 years on Lamictal. I got so upset thinking this guy has said basically that the other docs are fools, being fooled by me, and that my life has been nothing but a sham, I called the crisis line (just to talk, not suicidal or anything like that). I told the counselor there that I'm a musician and the litium has made it so I can't play my instrument. She said, "These are serious side effects! Your music is your therapy! And lithium is interfering with your therapy!" Whew -- was she ever a breath of fresh air! And so are you, fairydustgirl and Yoda. Already today I called the mental health dept and found out it's easy to change clinics. So I know how, and will do that on Monday!!!!! Hopefully I can get a new appointment with someone very soon so I can get off Li.