I have been suffering from undiagnosed bipolar II disorder for my entire adult life. I am not on any mood stabilizers and only an antidepressant (Effexor). I am on a waiting list for a new psychiatrist. My last psychiatrist took me off my mood stabilizers several years ago saying it was impossible for me to be bipolar if I did not have a first degree relative diagnosed with the disorder. But I have been suffering greatly ever since.

I am a teacher, about to start the school year and I am destitute. I have been rapid cycling this summer (like all summers), in and out of hypomanic and depressive episodes. I have always had a problem with spending, racking up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt that my parents have paid off. I cut up all my credit cards in April and have not used one since. I am now paying my parents back but I still do not have a handle on my finances. I spend too much on classroom supplies and now I do not have enough money for gas or food. My mother is angry with me because I am holed up in my apartment in a state of semi hibernation. But I am doing this because I cannot afford to go anywhere or do anything and I am trying to expend as little energy as possible so I do not have to eat as much. I need to save all the money I have to pay my rent on September 1st. I do not get paid until September 8th. Twelve days from now. I just somehow need to get through the next 12 days.

I blame myself entirely. I want so badly to be a responsible person but I keep messing up. I want so badly just to do things right and not have to rely on other people. I want to be on mood stabilizers. I was on Seroquel and I gained 55 pounds in 6 months so I went off of it this summer but it wasn't even helping with my hypomania/mania anyway as last school year I finished the year standing on chairs and singing my lessons in an opera voice.

I am meant to see the doctor on Tuesday - hopefully I have enough gas to get me there and back. I am going to beg her to put me on Lamictal as I see it is the only mood stabilizer that doesn't cause weight gain.

I am in a depressive state at the moment and my level of self-blame is very high.

I feel like I have the potential to be a good person but I just don't have the tools to do that right now.

I keep hoping for a miracle. I am owed money from my employer in back pay as teachers in my area having been working for over a year without a contract and we recently got a new one through binding arbitration and were meant to get a retroactive raise but our employer is refusing to give us our raise. That 500 dollars could really make a difference for me right now. I can't stop dwelling on that and it is making me really resentful and angry.

My friends want to spend time with me but I cannot afford to go visit them because I need to conserve my gas and pretty much cannot afford to spend 1 cent for the next 12 days.

I have been talking to my mother but she is really angry with me because she feels like I am not doing enough to get better.

I hate myself so much right now.