I used to play competitive Scrabble at our city's club. I stopped going because it is so unpleasant. I hate losing. I'm a sore loser. It's really disorganized since the director quit and there's all this waiting around before and between games. Others chat but i just pace the hallway because i have nothing to say. They all have heavy careers and families and their lives are just generally much more robust than mine.

There's a bad attitude to mental illness there, with one player saying her 'wacky' relative must be bipolar. I'm not 'out' to them. I can't explain my circumstances [i'm on disability benefits] and it's been awkward when they ask me where i work.

The location of the club changed recently and you basically have to have a car to get there and i am on the bus. Bunch of elitist pricks! I have to move mountains to get there and back.

I won the trophy last season. That's the highest honor i can aspire to because i'm not healthy enough to go in tournaments. They all travel to weekend tournaments around North America. Maybe i should end my competitive playing career on a high note?

But it does give me some exposure to a bunch of exceptionally smart people and put some color in my rather tame life.

I don't know. I don't enjoy myself. My life is rather empty but filling it with an activity i dislike is no answer.

I want new hobbies: cooking for example! I've made a few things recently and i really enjoyed them and home cooking is so worthwhile, really a pleasure to create and eat. I just found out tonight my church is starting a commuity kitchen where a chef who is supposed to be a lot of fun will teach new skills and we get to take home three meals for $5.

I've also signed up for a Women's 45+ meetup. My first event is this Thursday. We are going to an art gallery and for coffee after. Wish me luck!

It would take a lot of studying to get back up to speed on Scrabble and even more to improve at it. The though of it makes me feel lousy.

What do you think?