Hey all,

I guess I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

To make a long story short... I was in a long-distance relationship with someone who I thought shared mutual feelings of love, empathy, and compassion. It turned out that she wasn't actually capable of any of these things. I saw the warning signs early on, but I ignored them and put it down to her troubled upbringing. Over the course of the relationship I went through a LOT of emotional stress. I have anxious preoccupied attachment, whilst she is fearful avoident. She would show me love and affection one day, and be completely indifferent the next. There was no consistency. Her actions and words were in complete conflict. I had days and nights of crippling anxiety trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and what I did wrong. This turned me into a very insecure and needy person. I thought with time I could teach her how to love, and assumed she was as dedicated to making the relationship work as I was. In the end, she cut me out of her life completely over something small, and did so in the most horrible way. It was clear to me that she wanted me to hurt, and she knew I would. I do suspect she has some kind of personality disorder due to her apparent inability to love/form relationships, feel empathy/truly care for other people. She also had some issues with anger, which would manifest itself whenever I would question her inconsistent behavior towards me. It sounds to me a lot like narcissism, but I don't know.

Anyway, I'm left feeling the following:

- I'm sad. I lost someone who I loved dearly. What makes it worse is coming to terms with the reality that she wasn't real. When I'm alone I can't help but cry sometimes. Writing this post is difficult. I miss the good times we had, though I know it could never make up for all the bad.
- I'm confused. I never thought someone could be so heartless. I'm not sure if I can ever trust anyone again. I shared all of my deepest feelings and insecurities with her. She must know what impact this is having on me, yet doesn't seem to care.
- I feel guilty. Maybe if I had done things differently, there could have been a more positive outcome. I made some mistakes too, and I know I have things I need to work on. Maybe I just wasn't good enough.

OK so I realise this post is getting a bit long so I'll get to the question. How can I better myself in order to make sure something like this never happens again? I seem to have traits associated with codependency, but I could be wrong. I have low self-esteem. I don't feel very good about myself as a person. I don't have any close friends. When it comes to close relationships I seem to have a hard time regulating my emotions (I've only been in love like 3 times, though)... I feel like that might have something to do with the people I've been attracted to also, though. Ultimately, I'd like to get to a point where I don't place my happiness in someone else's hands and lose my self in the process. I don't want to be dependent on other people. EVER. I hope this makes sense.

I look forward to your replies

Her cutting me out was as a result of something bad I did which I shouldn't have done... I was dishonest about something. I told a lie (more like a white lie, but I guess it's the same thing?). I don't believe what I did was that terrible considering the circumstances, but maybe she felt it was. I made a mistake, and I feel very guilty about it. I really don't understand how what I did justifies her reaction, but I can't read her mind. To be honest, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me... we're all human and we make mistakes, how could you drop someone like a hot potato just like that as if there's no context, or as if they never existed?

OK, now to be balanced, here is another interpretation... I was too smart for her. I questioned her inconsistent behavior early on in the relationship, so she had to learn to play a better game. Deep down, she knows she is incapable of loving, feeling empathy, and being attached to someone.

It sucks when you care about someone so much for it not to be reciprocated, right? But you're right, there's not much we can do about it. It's completely out of our hands. We only have control over ourselves and how we try deal with the situation.

Summary - Relationships sometimes don't work out, and that's OK. Some people aren't a good match for one another, and that's OK too. If you find yourself having to sacrifice things that are important to you in order to try make a relationship work, that's probably a sign it's not right. I have a pretty good brain, and I shouldn't have gone against what it was telling me.