I am sorry you
are suffering this much.

You have to make a choice, or you take them every day or you don't take them at all. But you said if you don't take them they will get an order.

But... if you take meds only when you
are not
able to hide them... you will feel worse

than if you take them everyday.


Your brain is going on and off meds constantly, this is not good for you.
Moreover, doctors would think you need a higher dose
because what they are giving you doesn't work,
while actually they don't work as they should because you take them sometimes,
not always.

If you don't want to feel worse, if you don't want to be given higher and higher dose, maybe... could you try to take them all of them for... maybe a week, as a test?
If you are sure the meds won't help you...
Why don't you try to take them as doctors tells you just to prove them meds don't help you?