I'm almost 42 and have been severely depressed for 13 months now, and I was dysthymic for as long as I can remember. 5 months ago, I tried to kill myself and was locked up in a hospital for 3 weeks. Since then, I've been trying so, so very hard. I've started seeing a CBT therapist, take my medicine, joined an advanced French course, do pilates and yoga and badminton and cycling, got 2 cats, got 2 tattoos to remind me of things I like, started volunteering in a soup kitchen and as a first-aid person and soon as a volunteer in the hospital. I joined a mountain hiking group. I went to a meditation retreat. I'm visiting friends. Anything to stop thinking and not be alone at home.

And none of it feels real. I feel it's hopeless, and that everyone is lying to me that it'll get better, just because they can't imagine / won't admit that suicide is sometimes better. What hurts me most is that my brother doesn't believe me when I say these things. He refuses to listen to me when I'm "complaining". And yet I'm living only for him. It's so unfair.

I hate and despise myself. I hate my life. I've been single for the last 13 years. I feel I should have killed myself when I was a teenager already. I'd have done, if I'd known in advance how lonely I'd always be. Until I got depressed, I believed things would eventually radically improve (they simply had to, I couldn't imagine the universe being so cruel forever), but now I have lost hope that they will. I'll always feel anxious and worthless and cowardly and lazy and ugly and stupid and hopeless with women. I'll always be alone. I'm too weird, childish, inexperienced.

The last thing I took pride in was my job, but now I hate it and feel worthless at it, and I feel so trapped. I can't bear my job anymore, and I am afraid of resigning and going on unemployment benefits. I don't think I'll ever find a job again, and I dread being alone at home all day. So trapped.

I was in love (unrequited) with a colleague, and now she has left the company. There's nothing left for me anymore. I feel sad and worthless and empty without her, and yet I also felt sad and worthless whenever I saw her. I feel awful. I told her I can't be her friend anymore, and it breaks my heart. She's beautiful, adventurous, happy, loved, energetic, interesting, curious, capable, sociable, sporty, young, and brave, and I'm her opposite in everything. I'm so inferior.

Today I went with the mountain hiking group. I felt so alone. I was thinking the whole time about how much I hate myself and was looking with sick thoughts at dangerous precipices and thinking how pointless it all was. Climbing a mountain for 6 hours, what for? There are 100s more mountains to climb. Gorgeous scenery and yet I felt nothing. Too depressed to talk to anyone in the group. I was only waiting till the hike was over. I wasn't even remotely tired, it was all just a chore. I was crying behind my sunglasses. No hope.

I don't belong here. I wish I were dead.