I contemplated putting this thread into the anxiety discussion board, but decided that it better fit here in the depression forum. Something I've been aware of my whole life, but even now I've noticed it still colors and controls more of me than I ever want to accept.

Things have been getting better for me, in terms of mood and stability. I think that is probably why anxiety is starting to manifest a bit more now. My initial instinct whenever something unpleasant happens is to run. Physically run, mentally run from the situation... pretend it doesn't exist.... my whole life has been cycle of that. Only when I'm cornered into facing it am I able to do it. Excessive worry, sadness, pain, regret, fear... in my family, it worked a lot like this -- You may have the breakdown of your life that night... and the next day you are to act like it never happened. You don't talk about it, you don't bring it up... you thank God that it's not continuing and accept that. There are things about me I really wish I weren't. There is an intense fear inside me at times -- I'd rather hide parts of me from the world and never truly be happy than have to face the world as I am.

My sister basically grew up in a mental institution due to her self-harming and suicidal tendencies. I got off lucky -- at least my pain is held only in memories and locked away in my mind. I've hidden it most of my life -- no one could know without my announcing it. My sister on the other hand... has 200+ scars on her arms that tell her story of pain and anguish and regret and fear and true sadness...

I'm so afraid of who I am, I can't change where I came from or the abuse I've been through. I've had complications from running from it for so long. Every piece I try to come to terms with can bring with it a huge wave of emotion I barely am able to handle and for weeks I'm an emotional wreck. I try hard to stay positive. I often have a fantasy of just packing up and moving away from here -- far from family or friends. I'm not very close with any of them anyway, but just to hide from what I carry with me. It's when you find you're always running because you can't face any part of who you are -- or what you are, or who you have grown to be. I'd love to be anyone else, anywhere else, living a totally different life, but sadly we can't redeal the cards dealt. I suffer with intense feelings of wishing i was never born. Fear, fear, fear...

I'm afraid to love, I'm afraid to be open, I'm afraid of the world. I'm afraid of never being OK, I'm afraid to have a "normal" life. I'm afraid to have an opinion and I'm afraid to accept that my life affects others. It's hard. Some days are worse than others... but today has really made me think about how much fear drives who I am.

Anyone else in a similar boat? How do you accept fear when you can't accept the situation? When you can't continue to run from it forever and you're just not ready to come to terms... you just want it to go away? You can't erase life. You can't erase your past, you can't change the world's point of view. All you want to do is run....