Boy did I miss an interesting argument about myself while I was in school tonight-- glad I'm back, lol.

First I just wanna say that it takes a lot to distress me on a message board. Under most circumstances, I appreciate that something I posted sparked thought, debate, whatevever. This is one of those circumstances, so don't worry-- Alex and Sister, thanks for your thoughts. And Alex, I personally do not think you were being rude at all. When I come to this board, I think that the support is great, but support comes in all different forms-- I'm not the type of person who often looks for a hug or kind words-- more like a fresh perspective, some insight, etc. I don't think that Alex was being unsupportive because she obviously took the time to read, think about, and type well thought-out posts in response to my situation. I appreciate that.

Aside from the Lithium, my doctor is trying to help me sleep without the use of meds. Each time we talk we go over more and more things I could try in order to make sleep easier. Last night I tried one of his suggestions-- a craft before bed. I did my needlepoint. I got into bed. Then I almost jumped out of my skin. Maybe next time I will try exercise.

Medication has always been a tricky issue for me. For the most part, I feel like I can manage my emotions. I can function but mostly to the level in which I am going through the motions. A lot of the time I don't feel well enough to enjoy what I'm doing. My T and I talk about having a better plan in place to pick up on the warning signs of a major depressive episode.

A couple of semesters ago I went through a depressive episode. I was taking two classes and I ended up having to drop one. I swore that I would never, under any circumstances, let that happen again. And that is when I spoke with T and talked about trying medication again, to use as a tool.

I know that I have a lot of issues that are far from being resolved. Most of them are ones I need to work on-- they are not biological, they are not ones that can be fixed my meds.

I do feel, though, that these depressions could be alleviated a bit by the right meds. They are nasty-- I go through about 3 of them a year, sometimes lasting up to 7 weeks each.

I pushed the hell out of myself today. I made it through my internship, did a good job with my patients, and then made it through class. During class I fought back stupid tears because I felt so sad. Yeah, I made it through the day. But I know that I could be doing a whole lot better than this.

Sometimes I am scared... am I doing therapy wrong? Why am I not getting any better? Is it because I'm just not trying enough? So I'm become aware, gaining insight, engaging in self-exploration-- but I'm not getting better.

This is very embarrassing (and it probably comes from my fear of abandonment) I panic irrationally when I cannot get in touch with my husband immediately. This has been going on for about three years now. Well tonight I was driving home from school and I called him twice and he did not pick up his cell phone. I immediately began to panic and decided he was probably dead. I could not think of rationally, I could not think of other (rational) reasons that he wasn't picking up the phone, I could not think about how this has happened so many times before and nothing has ever been wrong. So as it goes, I get home and he was sleeping. And I was supposed to go to CVS to pick up my meds but I couldn't do it because I needed to get home to make sure he was there and okay.

My point is, this is a very disturbing problem which often interrupts what I am trying to do. It is something that was there before therapy, and is still there at this present time. Why hasn't it gotten better? I am not working hard enough or at all, I suppose.

Ok, now I'm really starting to go off and get tearful and it's 11 PM and I still have to edit and print out my case presentation for tomorrow's class.