Thank you elevated soul. I see my pdoc tomorrow, wondering if he will want to up my dosage of Brintellix. It was definitely working before I had this backslide, I could feel my head clearing up. I hate the idea that I might need more medication not because my brain needs it but because this one person has me so off kilter.

I think I can deal with him except for the fact that the real problem is he has thrown off my belief that my other co workers will accept me back. I know that is nonsense and I can probably get past that. He phrased his email as if he is speaking for the whole department, I know there is a grain of truth in it because I was unpleasant to work with and I know they must talk when I'm not there, but it isn't necessarily bad talk but this guy has me believing that it is. Part of me wonders if he is deliberately trying to sabotage me but I can't believe that either. The biggest problem is the way our department is arranged... No cubicles just an open floor plan and he sits in the middle and he converses with everyone a lot. I sit at the end. With my insecurity due to my depression I don't want to participate in group conversations that he is literally in the middle of and that keeps me isolated and makes the problem worse. If that makes sense. I can't imagine a scenario of going back there in a way that is safe for me.

As I write that I realize how ridiculous it is. It is my job, it is my livelihood. I can't pay my bills I have to get back to work. I am letting this one person drive me to the edge because when I sit in a room with him I isolate myself from everyone there.

It is ridiculous but it is me. It is my personality. I think it is the same thing that makes me smart and funny (although I haven't been funny in a long time). But in situations like this it kills me.