I am so angry and frustrated with myself. It's been months since termination and several weeks since I got back in touch with T for further therapy and was rejected as a client but I'm still in bits over not being able to see T anymore. My intention for going back (unknown to T as I didn't want to scare her off!) was to sort out the transference stuff and this ridiculous need for excessive attachment and proximity to T. I keep alternating between feeling like a lost child - frightened, vulnerable and abandoned - and feeling very angry. What's worse is I've started to feel really jealous and angry towards the people in T's personal and professional life - her work colleagues, friends, family, husband/partner, current clients etc - who are both people I know of from my days of googling and obsessing over finding out what I can about T and people who are purely of my imagination. I actually feel quite uncomfortable and intrusive with how much I have found out about T by means of googling compared to the few details that she actually disclosed to me but I can't stop. I'm obsessed but I can't admit to myself that it's stalking because I would never spy on T in real life. The things I found out I would have preferred not knowing but I suppose it seemed the only way I had of feeling/getting close to her when I was rejected. Not only does it make me feel intrusive and uncomfortable but at this time of year I know that she takes a holiday and I'm now torturing myself with images of her spending time with family and friends. In fact, I'm cut up by the idea of anyone who gets to have her in their life even in the smallest ways because it's more than I have. I feel possessive and jealous and hate myself for it. I just want to be rid of her from my thoughts and memories. Why is this so difficult?