i've finally got back in with a pdoc too so she has been messing around with meds for me.. its definitely not something i enjoy but sometimes we need the little help the meds can offer

im super crazy though

getting rid of the emails is really a difficult thing to do, its like killing a huge spider.. you dont wanna get close to it but you dont wanna let it go either! so you stand there frozen with the biggest boot you can find for 30 minutes or more until you finally psyche yourself up enough to impulsively smash it to pieces!
thats what i had to do with my emails, and it took me a long time to psych myself up enough to do it... but i definitely did it on an impulse and i regretted it for a while but looking back it was for the good... its like keeping wounds open and not letting them heal, have to wrap it up and give it time, leave it alone, and it will get better.. i know after everything my ex did i tolerate a bit more from other people without it effecting me so much because ill just be like "screw this, im going home!" (cartman) and just walk away saying forget them, i dont need this.. kind of you know?
because i dont like confrontations, if i go off i go off and im nasty when i get mean
but im the kindest, nicest, sweetest guy.. so when i do go off people are like WOAH and it scares them a bit i think because they didnt think i was capable so then they are like he might kill me! *rollseyes* i probably would if i let myself get angry/upset
its not worth it though.. they're not worth me blowing a headgasket or anything

i have known those type of people that like to speak like they have authority, like they have the ability to speak for everyone.. and i can probably guarantee that most of the other people at your work dont feel that way, the one person always blows things way up .. maybe some of the others are concerned, but i really doubt that they hate you or despise you and dont want you to come back to work... they probably just dont know about your struggles right?
i dont like talking about my problems, but it has changed things a little since i started trying to lightly let people know about some things so they would hopefully stop judging me... some people still judge me but its not my fault now because i told them that i have bad PTSD and stuff so that just makes them assholes
i dont need them to like me anyway

i bet that atleast some of your co-workers would really enjoy talking with you though, especially if they have to talk to that other guy all the time they might be tired of him !
and if he is talking about you to everyone like that then just imagine what he talks to everyone about the others too, so maybe they all know he's a gossiper/story teller kind of thing?

i also have issues with pride... i dont like people to see me in pain or sick, but it makes it harder... because you have to wear a bunch of masks and hide away and then when you do get alone always have to worry about someone walking in when im like in a trance staring at the wall contemplating all of the crazy emotions that i cant understand and stuff...
so people knowing just a small bit of whats up helps take some of the pressure off.. i dont tell people what caused my c-ptsd and i dont talk about my depression.. but i try to explain anxiety to them sometimes because my anxiety is not the typical movie type or whatever ... but they have seen me break down and blackout/angry before so they know somethings amiss atleast! and if they trigger me or make things more difficult for me then its on them because they know, ya know? it makes me not blame myself for everything so much

its really not ridiculous, its normal.. we are sensitive and we struggle with a lot of internal pain... people DO judge us and we are not just being paranoid.. we just have to agree to disagree kind of in some places... because we cant let our struggles hurt our pride.. but dont want to externalize everything as anger on everyone else either.. just have to kind of let things float away and focus on ourselves more... because when we are sick we need a little more special attention than normal folks...
its ok to be a little self centered in that aspect, because we dont have anyone else to take care of us really... sure we have the doc and therapist, but we only see them like.. a few hours a month right? the rest of the time we are on our own

i totally understand though because i have had people do the same thing to me and throw my entire internal "game" off spin... thats why i try to detach as much as possible and not get attached to people so much.. because i know they will hurt me some how, whether on purpose or unintentionally - downside of being sensitive

hope all that makes sense, because my head is not so clear lately ...
i might be typing in another language and dont realize it!

we just have to remember we are important, we are special, and the world needs more sensitive people - but being sensitive we have to be stronger than most.. so we're taking the hard road so to speak, that in itself deserves congratulatory celebration because the weak would not
they might would sit in the office and talk about other people all day or write messed up emails gaslighting others