Thanks for trusting that I'm generally well intentioned. People are (of course) free to disagree with my perspective. Take what you can from it and disregard it if you can't find anything of worth, thats my motto and I'm certainly accepting if people do the same with respect to me.

> I do feel, though, that these depressions could be alleviated a bit by the right meds. They are nasty-- I go through about 3 of them a year, sometimes lasting up to 7 weeks each.

Maybe meds could help a little... But maybe not. I'm not at all attempting (or intending) to undermine your very real distress, but I do think that while some people find a medication that they don't experience many side-effects of and that they find beneficial in some cases it is unclear whether the medication is helping or harming them and in some cases it is fairly clear that the medication is harming them. It is just that... They don't think they can do without it.

If something is biological that doesn't mean that medication (or psychosurgery for that matter) is the best way to intervene to alter the neurology. Back to the 'learning how to cook' example.

I really do understand about 'soldioring on' and feeling like one is straining through one minute at a time... Basically walking the walk but not getting much pleasure out of life. I think that that does happen sometimes for everyone. Sometimes things can be like that for a couple weeks, even (which is why they require that it lasts more than a couple weeks before a dx of depression). What usually pushes the cycle over... Is that the person stops walking the walk (stops doing the activity scheduling thing) and then things really start to spiral out of control.

> Yeah, I made it through the day. But I know that I could be doing a whole lot better than this.

Yeah, life certainly can go a whole lot better than that! One thing that was said to me (or to the group really) in DBT was that 'if your lives were destined to continue on being as painful as they have been up until now then you guys would be right - you would be better off dead'. But the thing was... That our lives aren't destined to continue on being as painful as they had been. There were times (hours, days, weeks) that they were. But there were moments, hours, days, weeks where those horrible feelings would lift.

> am I doing therapy wrong? Why am I not getting any better? Is it because I'm just not trying enough? So I'm become aware, gaining insight, engaging in self-exploration-- but I'm not getting better.

You aren't doing anything wrong. You are getting better. When things are going badly it can feel like things have been going badly for a very long time (state dependent memory). But similarly, when things are going really well it can feel like things have been going well for a while. You were really happy about your internship and the poetry reading... You have experienced happiness recently.

Part of it can be about maximising those moments that you can take some pleasure from. Trying to set up your environment so you can have more of those. Taking some time... To smell a flower. To really focus all your attention on the aroma and on how the petals feel and taking some kind of gentle pleasure in that moment. Sometimes thinking about the past and the future just seems to make one feel worse... On those cases all that is to be done is to try and create some positive experiences in the present moment. Excercise is terrific because endorphins are your body's natural 'feel good' pick me up and tension reducer. Thats kinda what they are there for ;-)

Life is a process. Sometimes it can feel like two steps forward one step back. I'm not sure that there is a genuine 'forwards' and 'backwards', however. Sometimes 'backwards' (though it can feel jolly horrible) is really one hell of a step forwards. I'm wondering how much your present distress is tied up with feeling abandoned. By p-doc... By your husband...

> This is very embarrassing (and it probably comes from my fear of abandonment) I panic irrationally when I cannot get in touch with my husband immediately...

> Why hasn't it gotten better?

Have you talked about this with your therapist?

Remember to do things that are kind to yourself...
And excercise... Can help considerably with alleviating anxiety (it is impossible to feel sad when endorphins are being released) and helping with sleep...

Hang in there.