I've been waffling about posting this, since I'm not sure how much of it I actually want to "fix", though there's an aspect of it that disturbs me.

Envy has always been a huge part of my life; even my earliest friendships were characterized by some degree of envy from my end. It only gets worse as I get older, and there's one part that's become more common that worries me: a sick, twisted part of myself that envies abuse and assault victims, those who lived difficult lives, or who have severe mental disorders. It's hard to explain, and I know it's offensive to admit. It has nothing to do with attention or sloth ("I wish I could get disability for being sad; I wish I could just take off work whenever I felt like it"), more with...identity, I guess. Validation too. People with that kind of pain must have such dramatic lives, struggles, trials, coherent life narratives instead of just feeling like an empty shell. What's more, they have justification for being screwups, while I don't.

Indeed this is part of what makes me doubt so much of my own mind: what if I'm just pretending, forcing myself to appear mentally ill to feel like I'm somebody, to be a special snowflake, when there's really nothing wrong with me, and I'm so inferior I can't even have my own identity.



I'm reconsidering if I could be a covert narcissist; certainly, this quote resonated hard with me, described my whole life. Funny too how it's actually supposed to be more dangerous than the stereotypical grandiose narcissist:

"There are those narcissists who idealize the successful and the rich and the lucky. They attribute to them super-human, almost divine, qualities...

In an effort to justify the agonizing disparities between themselves and others, they humble themselves as they elevate the others.

They reduce and diminish their own gifts, they disparage their own achievements, they degrade their own possessions and look with disdain and contempt upon their nearest and dearest, who are unable to discern their fundamental shortcomings. They feel worthy only of abasement and punishment. Besieged by guilt and remorse, voided of self-esteem, perpetually self-hating and self-deprecating - this is by far the more dangerous species of narcissist.

For he who derives contentment from his own humiliation cannot but derive happiness from the downfall of others. Indeed, most of them end up driving the objects of their own devotion and adulation to destruction and decrepitude..." - Sam Vaknin


Sorry for rambling, this was only supposed to focus on my envy of those with obviously unenviable lives, but got sidetracked.