i feel so strange
therapist wants me to practice like pulling myself into the body, staying connected with the body... feeling the body...
but doing this really feels disorientating, its like parts of me are cut off, maybe alot of the bad parts, but it confuses me... and im kind of like... left alone, feeling strange... a little empty, like i dont know who im supposed to be.. or who i was before, i mean i just cant remember anything so how could i know?

i dont understand why doing something like trying to attach myself to the body is causing weird effects like that... maybe im doing the opposite and think im trying to be with it but im actually cutting things off and sepperating parts more, i tried to tell her i get that funny feeling.. and she said something like she wonders if its because im not used to feeling, all i know is things can be really disorientating... like feeling underwater.. or drunk.. or light headed... or dizzy... like im not here... but someone is here.. but its not who im supposed to be, but i realize it and i get disorientated... i dont feel too scared about it... maybe just a little because i dont understand... but im mostly confused..

and i cant tell anyone because i have tried to talk about these symptoms for a long time before really knowing anything about them and everyone just thought something was like wrong with my head, like just being crazy and weird or melodramatic and stuff..

so now i know a little more about things and i just dont want to even try to talk about it because its like ... people dont get it.. and it kind of irritates me because i dont completely understand how or why im doing it and then i try to explain just a little without making people freak out by talking about dissociation and they just be like oh i do that too all the time and im just like... i dunno.. i dont talk about it anymore because of i cant explain it and talking about it kind of makes me feel it more, like becoming aware of a hurt and it hurting more, and hurting even more because no one gets it and thinks that its just something im making myself do... like day dreaming or just being bored and not focusing, but i cant focus! and im not day dreaming, im just operating on a weird level.. you know?

but anyway... im sitting here now ... i think im tired..
dry mouth... and everything feels so strange... i think ive been in the body too long and maybe need to get out... feel so dizzy
but i dont really know what else i feel, i dont have a mood, i just am...

ive been trying to manage things.. but im tired so i think im going to go to sleep now..

just wanted someone to understand.. incase things are different tomorow, have to go to the doctors for blood work so im sure ill hit a bunch of speed bumpbs on the journey - probably be told they wont take the blood because of my bills and that will just make me get all depressed and stuff
and plus because of the sensory processing issues i have... easy to be too much...

but im doing what i can do, just wish people around me could understand... maybe help out a little... its so hard trying to do it all alone..
but i've always been alone... so i guess im used to it..

just gotta breathe slow and let go

thanks, rest well everyone
see ya later..