I've been deeply thinking how I live my life, what I'm about, how I really behave lately. Looking at what I see as the problems that make me feel depressed, from different angles.

Something strikes me as really odd. I get this really strong impression that I'm looking at someone who has long since disappeared inside his own head and just doesn't ... connect with life. This is not something that "just happens" when I feel depressed or anxious, it's a chronic thing. It does seem to get a bit worse when i actually feel depressed. It's like I'm living in some self-imposed ruminative exile with no evidence of serious attempts to really DO anything significant or pleasurable or personally meaningful, even things I tell myself I feel profoundly motivated about. This is creeping me out to see. It's not my imagination. It reminds me a bit of what the Japanese call "Hikikomori", and whatever it is, I've realized meds just do NOT affect it. At all. Also, it's been very slowly getting worse.

Whatever it is, it needs to end. Seeing it is step one. I can't alter something I don't even realize is there. Now I see it, I want to change it. Big time. How can a person just passively observe life and not really interact with it, and yet be unaware this is even happening? Weird.