Seem to be having a mixed bag of a day. I woke up not in the best mood, because I had a dream in which I overheard my dad say, very matter-of-factly, that he should have kicked me out when I dropped out of school two years ago. Then after having coffee I sort of perked up and was feeling okay for a while. (TW ahead for people with eating disorders) My mom told me we would be having 'breakfast for dinner', eggs, bacon, and toast. I somehow managed to work out a meal plan for the day including these things that amounted to less than X calories, which made me feel accomplished for a little while, because those foods are very calorific and fattening. Yet somehow I found a way to eat them and still be within my limit.

So I ate my saltine crackers and then got a burst of energy, which I decided to use for cleaning around my room a bit. Not five minutes in and I manage to break a glass figurine, which pissed me off so much I threw the figurine away, rather than have my mom fix it. I decided to take a break from cleaning for a little while. Then the second attempt, not even 30 seconds and I manage to drop my camera!! Thankfully it didn't break, though by that point I was livid with myself for being so clutzy, cursing myself in my head with every breath. I went on and rearranged a bookshelf, which I actually think looks pretty good now. But I still feel like a failure. For whatever reason, dropping things and being clumsy is not something I can easily forgive myself for! Now I've given up on cleaning any more today. So pathetically little actually got done, same as yesterday, no wonder I feel like I failed!

Oh, and I forgot to mention my grandpa randomly showed up unannounced right as I was getting my crackers. I hadn't even brushed my hair and I looked terrible. When he was about to leave the topic of my weight loss was brought up AGAIN, just as it is every time he visits. He said what he always says, "Soon you'll be trim and slim and I'll have to scare off he boys with my shot gun!" I know he doesn't mean it this way, but whenever he says that to me it's like saying "Too bad you're undesirable NOW". It triggers the hell out of me. I've gotten to where I just say automatically "Oh, don't worry, there won't be any boys!". He's 82, I understand he's from a different time, where commenting on womens' bodies was okay. But this is only one of the things that reminds me why I have to keep my calories below X a day. The fact that today this happened right before I was going to eat made it that much worse!

Then just a few minutes ago my mom asked for the last of my money so she and my dad can drink!! I now am broke! And I was planning on going to the dollar store this week to buy myself lip balm and a notebook. Maybe even a small something. Now I can't even have that.