He said something... I'm not sure that I can remember now... But he said something that revealed that he thought that when I remembered things that were early childhood feelings from my Mother and / or my Father that that somehow was supposed to be where the real work and the real disclosure was. Whereas... When I try and talk to him about present difficulties (e.g., at work) or present / past difficulties (e.g., in online communications) or past difficulties (e.g., with respect to my experiences with the mental health system back home) that I am avoiding.

I'm sorry I can't convey the precise words... I think that I am understanding him with respect to the focus on Mother / Father somehow consisting in the 'real work' whereas the focus on more recent events somehow consisting in 'avoiding' or 'defending'.

I'm pissed that he won't just shut the %#@&#! up and listen to me talk about those other things for a while. If you don't see the %#@&#! point then how about shutting the %#@&#! up and letting me get to it. I feel sometimes... Like he is trying to guide / direct the conversation towards something that HE feels is important and / or significant and that sometimes that means that he is positively disrespectful to MY TAKE on what is important and / or significant.

So my question to him was: Why don't you trust me?

One context... Was when I was telling him about my experiences as a teenager in church. He kept trying to interpret what was going on there with respect to earlier experiences with my Mother and / or Father. I kept pressing on (ignoring his comments / attempts to direct me). He persisted... I persisted... I eventually told him that one of the church leaders got a little 'too friendly' with me and that that was how the screaming started. Then he was like 'oh'. He was too busy to think that I was defending / avoiding to simply shut the %#@&#! up and let me get to what the hell I was trying to tell him. I have never told any therapist about what happened with that church leader. If I have been sexually abused (and I'm not sure that I have been) that was precisely when that %#@&#! was.

I think that might have been why he got defensive when I said about how I feel like he doesn't trust me and how he is quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm defending / avoiding rather than just %#@&#! well listening sympathetically so that I can actually get to what it is that I'm %#@&#! well trying to tell him.

I didn't mean to attack him, but it is important to me. That is why... I'd rather be doing free-association / couch work. SO that he would be shutting up more and listening more and just trying his damndest to understand what might be behind what I was saying rather than assuming I'm defending because I'm not talking about Mummy and Daddy.

I don't know what will happen now... Maybe I'll have the courage to revisit this... Or maybe not. I tried to explain this in an email but he still missed the point...

So... I don't know...

I don't know...