My depression started in my first year of college. It hit suddenly during the first week of classes. I thought it was an adjustment phase- mostly from losing touch with some of my friends from high school and adjusting to more of an adult-type life. It was pretty persistent sadness though some days were better than others. I don’t really know when things started to get better. I’d say around my junior year when things were okay, not great, but okay. I powered through college, a master’s program, and 2 years of a doctorate program until things hit real rock bottom. I lost total interest in work, had serious thoughts of not continuing the program. That was kind of a thing throughout this whole process. I would make drastic changes in hope that they would bring me closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. I’d break up with girlfriends, leave school and drive around, go into work late and leave early.

During that second year of graduate school I met my now wife. Things were looking up though I had a lot of bad days. But slowly, over the course of a few years, things improved. I got on track with work, got married, finished grad school, and started “real adulthood”. We had a kid- super fun awesome little dude. I was cruising- happy, like for real never been happier happy.

I switched jobs in 2014 and the first year and half were great. I pull a lot of work though and am constantly connected. In the early part of 2016, I had a health scare and ended up in the ER. Nothing wrong but I was terrified of dying. That kind of morphed into this general feeling of death. It was another sudden dark phase- a few solid weeks of bleakness before slowly pulling out. I slowly came back and was probably 80% back to me. But I can’t shake the feelings of what happens if I’m not there. What does that even mean? I have no desire to not live anymore. But I can’t stop thinking about these health things that will beat me.

A few months later coming home from vacation, I started having chest pains again. Thought maybe a heart attack was coming but the rationale side of me thought no. Thought I saw a cancerous mole. Was feeling sad but thought it was the post-vacation blues. Then a few days later another sudden boom of sadness. After two days I couldn’t take it anymore and was tired of feeling this way. I went to my primary care doc where the NP prescribed 5mg of Lexapro (generic). I’m scheduled for a counseling appointment in a few weeks.

I’ve been on the meds for about 12 days now. Some days are pretty good. Some days are pretty bad. I feel like I have a few good days, then a few bad days, then a good day. I know it’s too early for full effect of the medicine yet but it’s hard not to get discouraged. The past two days have been pretty bad in terms of my sadness. It’s all triggered by memories- fun memories mostly involving my little dude. Looking a pictures of us and him makes me almost cry. I have no idea why.

That’s where I’m at today. I know things get can get better and will. But it’s a hard road- how do we get over these days?

Anyone have any similar experiences? Thanks and sorry for the long post!