im sorry about writing things like this :/
i wish i could be more clear and in touch with things
but im just confused with all thats going on
alot of stress in life causing things to get all messed up..
but thats normal too, i dont think there was ever a point in time that things weren't stressful

i know that back in april when i was denied disability it really shook me up, for a few days i was a mess..(not that i really want to be on it but i dont have much choice at this point...)
i think i probably ended up self harming a lot but i dont really remember.. i just know that i became the biggest downer in the world, disgusted with everything because nothing really mattered, because my life is **** and there isnt really anything i can do about it... if only the past could be changed, but i always tell myself that if things changed in the past i would not be the same person.. and i like how kind, nice, and sweet i can be sometimes..
i just wish that i could be like that all the time instead of being so ... metamorphic..?

lately i have just been out of touch with myself i guess, but i have tried many things and i feel like i have startled the flock inside into retreat and hide from me and i am left with very little information on the happenings .. or possibly i have been put in a box and cut off because of how persistent and obsessive things can get, i dont really know...

dont really know anything, i dont know whats happening and wish that i could understand, to know so that i could know how to make things work out instead of things increasingly becoming worse...

but i have heard a bunch of times that therapy will make things worse, everything gets worse before getting better

if it keeps getting worse i feel like im going to pass out and lose complete touch for a long time, weeks, months.. hopefully not years... or maybe i have already lost touch and im too blinded by a dissociative veil to even recognize it

headaches are getting worse... symptoms are getting worse... ptsd type stuff isn't as bad right now but i think thats because of all the fog... like being doped up, tied to a bed in a straight jacket with a blind fold on... if that makes sense

dont even know why im posting because i cant make much sense, everything i say probably just makes me sound ridiculous... i know its ridiculous but im losing my life...
years... im 26 years old and i cant say anything about my past because its not there...
all i can say is that i went through a lot growing up, went through alot through teenage years... and going through a lot through my 20's...
i isolated myself alot since being a kid.. until foster care probably because those people i think probably wouldn't of let me too much, but i cant remember any of the time spent there either.. besides 1 flashback of me walking down the dirt road with the girl but thats probably because i had walked down the road with my mom so many times as a little boy..

my memories are all messed up and distorted, they aren't memories, they are like postit notes or whatever and i only have a few that give a few words of things so that i can pretend to remember so that everyone doesnt hate me for not "caring" enough to remember like its my choice..

i hate talking about time and memories, it makes me feel bad because i wonder what its like to realize time passing, to remember things... i cant imagine what its like, always having been like this

oh man, im derailing... sorry

urgh, i just wish i knew whats wrong so i could fix it
but i do feel like its going to get worse...
im scared that i cant handle it, but since i dont have a choice i have to..
im scared that my family definitely cant handle it, but i dont know what to do about that
dont know what to do if i wake up and am just acting super different and everyone looks at me like a freak
i've contained it in a way so far that probably just looks like i have anxiety sometimes or just get depressed sometimes
but its starting to happen to where i dont know whats happening and im scared that something bad is going to happen... i dont like burning bridges, i dont have many to burn..
so if i do burn the one or 2 i have, i'll be screwed...

why do i feel like this..? grrr..
its like being on the marry go round for too long, everything gets dizzy, you stop spinning and try to walk but you fall down because you are disorientated, does that make sense..?

going in and out of consciousness within seconds, sometimes i think my head is just going to spin off...

didnt do the doctor thing, plans changed, they always do since i cant travel anywhere by myself - i think they wanted to do it tomorow instead... im forgetful.. im just going to pretend like thats what they said so i can try to make myself wake up early..

sorry about the long post, i didnt realize how much i have wrote..
thanks for putting up with me, no one else that i can even think about talking to about things... besides the therapist but im trying to take it slow with her because speaking things outloud is different than typing it... hearing a strange voice saying things and sitting there wondering about what im supposed to say is hard, especially when my voice starts to go and not really able to speak