hey. i would tell him to %#@&#! off except for the fact that... things are basically good between us.

i think that basically the idea is that there needs to be a middle way so that both of us can get through this unscathed.

i mean... i'm sure he is right that the stuff that happened (or happens) with the church leader and with work and with my online communications has its origins back with mummy and daddy. i'm sure he is right in that respect. i'm sure that the transference (or self-object stuff) that happens between us is simlarly grounded in what happened with mummy and daddy.

but the point is... that sometimes it is important to stick with how i feel in the present. whether how i feel in the present is a response to the transference (and / or self-object dynamic between us) or whether it is a response to my experiences in the mental health system or my experiences at work or my experiences in church... part of the battle (that is jolly well hard for me) is to sort out how i feel about that.

how i feel about that.
figure it out
dwell on it
validate it

and then (and only then) and very gently then to figure out how it results from past experiences with mummy and daddy.

slowly slowly gently does it. i don't care what you call it. call it defending or avoiding or procrastinating i don't give a %#@&#!.

trouble is... i have so much fear and shame and anxiety about work and online communications and my experience with the mental health system and my experiences with church for it to be a major %#@&#! milestone for me to figure that out.

and hurrying its relation to mummy and daddy somehow circumvents.

its a kind of reliving the trauma in the absence of the present i'm performing in a dramatic way 'cause maybe then you will approve of me and think i'm working hard and loving me dynamic that ultimately isn't so helpful.

that ultimately is a defence / avoidance.

and of course this issue comes up all bound up in rationalisations of my pushing him away (bad t you left me) but of course there is still a grain of truth...

i'm committed to working with him...
and he is committed to working with me...
and i trust he is doing the best that he can...
and all i need to know is that...
he is similarly trusting me.