Hello, I have unusual issue in my relationship. It seems like it's not that unusual, except my partner is 47 and we are (let's call it that way for now) in relationship for almost 10 years. I never had intention to get married again after failed marriage and I don't want to live with a partner for now since I live in my own really small apartment with my kid so live in partner is for now out of the question. I love my partner, since he is extraordinary good person, intelligent, smart, with great sense of humour, and he is really good friend and of course, good as partner (I mean you know..). We were friends for many years prior to relationship and I love him dearly and I am sure he loves me... in his own way. Which is the problem. He is overly and terribly attached to his parents. He never moved out, he never leaves them even for a day, which means we never spent the night together, never travelled together and probably never will. He just won't leave them. From what he is saying, it seems they just raised him that way and he believes he does the right thing, he believes firmly they need him, night and day, and that they will be seriously upset if he is late home even for hour. They live like tiny little family. He does love me, as much as he is capable to love anyone besides his parents, since I have depression issues and anger management problems and other problems, he was mostly understanding and didn't leave even when he couldn't understand me, and he didn't leave even when I had any of my sometimes very unpleasant anger tantrums. He supports me, loves me, makes me laugh, and sometimes it's enough for me. I am very independent, I work and make money for everything, no one supports me financially, I am also a loner so being alone is no really issue for me.
Since I am depressed and introvert, I always had problems to find relationship so finding one that sorta works is difficult. I could deal with his attachment although I think it's not healthy at all.
Problem arises when he praises his parents in front of me. In his mind, they are ideal. Let's be honest, I know they meant well, but when parents raise their child to be completely dependent on them and to never ever separate from them, I see it as a general parental failure. I can't tell him that, since he lives in his own denial for almost half of century. It would crush him. I am afraid when they are gone, he will not be able to live anymore. What kind of parents do that? They keep him on a short leash and he loves it because he thinks it's normal. I never met them because I am afraid I will tell them what I think and that would be the end. These people are delusional. Problem is he keeps praising them. If he would just avoid that subject or just say something like "ok, they are not perfect, but it's to late to change that now", but no... he thinks all other people abandoned their parents when in fact they should stay with them forever. I find it hard not to say anything to those statements. Otherwise, he is smart and grounded, but on that subject he is extremely delusional. And I need to keep quiet which is getting real hard. Few times I couldn't resist and I said it's not ok for parents not to give their child any privacy or independence and he got really defensive and started arguing, "protecting them from me", I lost my courage and shut up but I felt miserable. I feel he would always chose them over me, over anyone. He thinks they are best parents of the world, I think what they did to him was horrible. But I can't say anything. It's getting more and more difficult to never mention giant elephant in the room. What is most scary is they are old, and I can see catastrophe coming when they are gone. I have my own demons, I am not sure I will be able to help him then, and I don't know how. It's a scary image. And yes, I kinda do lose respect of him.
I don't want to lose him, but I would like to understand this weird connection somehow so that I Am not that bothered. It plagues my mind. Am I evil? Or selfish? I don't want to live with him so why this bothers me so much?